Through The Valley
by Wisegal
Summary: The sequel Every Season Under Heaven is now up! In order to truly understand her assignment's pain, Monica must take her own walk through the valley of the shadow of death, and experience the most human time of her existence....
1. Default Chapter

Title: Through The Valley  
  
Authors: Jennifer G. and Kimbre  
  
Category: LOTS of drama  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: In order to truly understand her assignment's pain, Monica must take her own walk through the valley of the shadow of death, and experience the most human time of her existence....  
  
Disclaimer: As usual, I don't own them and I promise to put them back when I'm done, with minimal damage. Don't sue me, you won't get anything from this poor college student anyways, LOL. And my wonderful co-author Kimbre doesn't have any interests in lawsuits either, so there! ;)  
  
Authors notes to follow the last chapter..  
  
Ok, here we go.. Buckle your seatbelts. it's gonna be a bumpy ride. You have been warned..  
  
PROLOGUE  
  
"Aren't human bodies fascinating, Tess?" The young woman with long, auburn hair and a lovely Irish brogue quipped to her older supervisor.  
  
"How so, Miss Wings?" The older woman with mahogany skin asked, casting a side-glance at the blond man who completed the trio.  
  
"Well," She replied, her expression somewhat thoughtful, though it never lost its cheerfulness, "God just really made them perfectly. It's so interesting, don't you think, how blood carries oxygen to the brain and keeps the heart pumping, and how one thing can be dependent on so many other organs doing their job properly?" She smiled happily, gazing up at the blue sky, "Though I love being an angel, I love being in human form, don't you, Andrew?"  
  
He chuckled, unlike Tess, never really getting annoyed with his friend's endless chatter, and besides, she could find the beauty in a root canal, "I'm not sure, Monica," He replied gently, "I always feel a little trapped in them myself."  
  
"But what about being able to feel the grass under your toes, or feeling refreshed after sleeping, or being able to feel.what's it called again.that feeling of having all that energy?"  
  
"Adrenaline," Tess sighed, rolling her eyes, though she loved the inquisitive little angel dearly.  
  
"Ah yes, feeling the adrenaline pumping through your veins. We don't get to feel those things as angels and I just enjoy them in human form is all," Monica smiled at her two closest friends, "I just think God made them perfectly. It was quite a complex plan."  
  
"I'll let Him know you approve, Angel Girl," Tess replied, unable to hide her smile as Andrew chuckled and Monica grinned sheepishly, but then the oldest angel grew more serious as she motioned her two charges to a nearby bench so they could sit down, Monica situated between the two of them, "You're right, baby," Tess began softly, "Human bodies are very complex, but just as easily as they can work correctly, something can just as easily go wrong and make a person feel as if it is turning against them." The two younger angels followed Tess' gaze across the street to the building that simply had the words "Medical Center" above its doors.  
  
"Is she our assignment, Tess?" Andrew asked, indicating a young girl of no more than 25 with shoulder length sandy, blond hair, who was hesitantly entering the building.  
  
"That's Kayla Johnston and she is Monica's assignment, Angel Boy," Tess explained, watching Monica's brow furrow with curiosity.  
  
"What's wrong with her, Tess? She looks perfectly healthy-." The youngest angel began.  
  
"Not all sickness can be seen, baby, at least not at first. It all started out with Kayla thinking she had some kind of flu that left her feeling sick and void of all energy, but she couldn't seem to shake it. Her doctor put her through a series of tests and she's about to get the results of those tests today and her life is never going to be the same."  
  
Andrew's eyes held sadness at these words, "Is it bad, Tess?"  
  
"Let's just say her body is beginning to turn against her, baby," She replied with a sigh.  
  
"But she's so young, Tess," Monica exclaimed, trying to find the justice in this situation.  
  
"Yes, she is, Monica, but unfortunately, cancer doesn't discriminate by age, color or race and sometimes all it takes is for someone to hear the word 'cancer' for them to give up the fight."  
  
"But why is that, Tess?" Monica asked, her eyes troubled as she felt Andrew's arm wrap around her shoulders.  
  
"Because it's a hard fight to win, baby, and the treatments for cancer can be as terrible as the disease itself. The treatments often cause them to feel sicker than they did when they were first told they had cancer. They lose their appetite, suffer from nausea and exhaustion, and lose their hair and all these things certainly don't make them feel as if they are winning the battle."  
  
There was silence between the three friends for a moment, before Tess broke it by continuing, "Angel Girl, you'd may as well go and familiarize yourself with the medical center."  
  
Monica nodded and hopped up, always eager to begin, before a peculiar look crossed her pretty face.  
  
"Are you okay?" Andrew's eyes were concerned, as he didn't miss the expression that had come over her features.  
  
"I think so," She began hesitantly, "Probably all this talk about being sick."She managed a smile, "I'll be back."  
  
Andrew watched her depart through worried eyes, before he turned back to Tess, surprised to see sadness in her own brown eyes, "So what is our assignment, Tess?" He asked, trying to shake the feeling of uneasiness that had come over him.  
  
"We're back up, baby, but our main assignment is Monica," She replied softly.  
  
"Monica?" He asked, his unease settling in a little deeper, "What does Monica need angels for?"  
  
Tess met her eyes squarely with those of her friend, "Trust me, baby, by the time that little angel exits that building, she is going to need angels, not to mention her friends." 


	2. One

Unseen to the human eye, Monica walked down the halls of the Holy Cross Memorial Medical Center, toward the oncology unit. Kayla Johnston was in that ward, meeting with oncologist Dr. Malcolm Vandersluis to get the results of her latest blood work. As Monica stood unseen in the corner of the small office, the doctor turned to Kayla with a manila folder in his hand.  
  
"Kayla, we've gotten the results of your tests, and I'm afraid I have some rather difficult news."  
  
Kayla's pretty face paled, and she gripped the arms of her chair tightly. "What is it?"  
  
"You have a form of Leukemia," Dr. Vandersluis said as gently as he could. "It's called Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia, which is a type of blood cancer. The cancer cells are attacking your bone marrow and preventing it from making red blood cells. That's why you've been feeling fatigued all the time."  
  
From where she was standing, Monica felt a stab of sympathy for Kayla as the young woman's face paled even further. She seemed too young to be handed a diagnosis like that.  
  
Kayla took a shuddering breath and asked, "How bad is that?"  
  
The doctor pushed his glasses further along the bridge of his nose and leaned forward, resting his elbows on the desk. "Unfortunately, it's hard to say. But, the five year survival rate for this particular kind of cancer is high, around 58 percent"  
  
"That's high? You're saying that I may not even live five years?" Kayla was fighting tears now.  
  
"I'm not saying that at all. Every patient responds differently to treatment, and the disease doesn't always progress at the same rate. The fact that you're younger will help. Your body is strong, so you'll be more able to fight the disease. Trust me Kayla, I'm going to do everything I possibly can to help you beat this thing."  
  
Kayla nodded wordlessly at the doctor. A tear rolled down her cheek and she hastily wiped it away. Monica could see that she was struggling with her emotions, and wondered what she was going to be able to do to help.  
  
"Why don't you come with me? I'll have one of my nurses talk with you and she can tell you what kinds of things to expect, and then she can set up a time with you to come back so we can discuss treatment options. I want to get started as soon as possible, so we can start fighting the cancer." Kayla nodded listlessly and left the room with the doctor, on her way to speak with the nurse. Monica watched them go, wondering what she was to do next, when Tess appeared in front of her.  
  
"Oh, Tess, I can't even imagine what she's feeling right now. I always hate seeing things like this. They were never part of the plan."  
  
"No they aren't, baby, and you're going to need to remember that," Tess said.  
  
Monica nodded, "What am I going to be doing to help Kayla?" She asked. "Am I going to be a nurse? A volunteer?"  
  
Tess hesitated for a moment before speaking, "You're not going to be doing any of those things, I'm afraid. I've just gotten word that you're being pulled off of the case for now."  
  
Monica's eyes flashed briefly, and Tess thanked The Father that humans couldn't hear them talking - or yelling as the case may be. "What do you mean, I'm being pulled from this case?" The Irish angel said, her voice getting slightly louder. "I can't think of anyone on this earth that needs an angel more than Kayla! She's just been handed the worst news of her life, Tess!"  
  
"You think I don't know that, Miss Wings?" Tess retorted. "The last time I checked the Holy rule book, there was nothing in there about angels deciding their own assignments. We take our orders from The Father. He's got a plan, and like it or not, we have to just go with it."  
  
Tess's sharp words obviously drove her point home, because Monica's eyes lowered and she bit off the protest forming on her tongue. "Well, what now?" She asked, her voice much softer this time.  
  
"We've been given an apartment for the time being, so I don't think that this is permanent, baby. I say we just go there and wait for something to happen." Monica smiled half-heartedly, and followed Tess out of the hospital and to her caddy. The two angels got in, and Tess began the drive to the apartment the Father had provided them. As Tess pulled out onto the highway, Monica found herself overcome with tiredness. She pillowed her head against the window and closed her tired eyes. She was asleep in minutes. Tess looked over at her young friend and had to smile, although it wasn't like Monica to be so tired in the middle of the day. She shrugged off her wondering and turned down the radio, letting her charge sleep.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
"Baby? Wake up, we're here." Tess gently shook Monica's shoulder, smiling as the young angel opened her eyes and sleepily looked up at her. "You can't stay out here all day, Angel Girl."  
  
"Sorry, Tess," Monica said sheepishly, "I don't know why I'm so tired."  
  
Tess shrugged, and got out of the car, waiting for Monica before the two ascended the three flights of stairs to the apartment they would be sharing with Andrew. They walked in, and were greeted with wonderful smells coming from the kitchen. Andrew seemed to be the culprit, chopping lettuce and vegetables for what looked to be an Italian feast fit for a king. "Hey you two!" He greeted them warmly. "I heard about your case, Monica, and I thought you could use a cheering-up meal."  
  
"That's sweet of you, Angel Boy," Tess said. "And it smells awfully good."  
  
"It'll be ready in about an hour. I hope you brought your appetite."  
  
Monica smiled at her friend, "I think I'm going to watch some TV while we wait then." She wandered over to the couch and sat down. Tess retreated to the kitchen with Andrew, to supervise his cooking, which Andrew knew would mean a "Tess touch" to his meal. Not that he minded, though. His older friend had a way in the kitchen, among her many gifts.  
  
An hour later, Andrew came out of the kitchen to get Monica, and found her asleep on the sofa. He kneeled down to her, and brushed the backs of his fingers along her cheek. She stirred at his touch, and opened her eyes to look at him. "Are you feeling alright, Angel Girl?" Andrew asked. "Tess told me about your other little nap today."  
  
"I'm fine, Andrew. I'm just a little worn out today, that's all."  
  
"If you're sure," he replied. "I don't want you coming down with the flu if you're going to get back on this case."  
  
"Don't worry about me. Now, let's get some dinner." Monica got up off of the couch and took her seat at the table. They sat eating, Monica and Tess complimenting Andrew on his cooking skills until he blushed. Monica began to feel full, and looking down at her plate, she saw that she had only eaten a quarter of what she would normally eat. She put down her fork, and pushed her plate a few inches from herself.  
  
"What's wrong, Baby?" Tess asked, noting Monica's mostly full plate.  
  
"Nothing's wrong. I'm just full."  
  
"But you've hardly eaten anything," Andrew said.  
  
Monica shook her head, "I'm sorry Andrew. I just don't feel hungry." She stood up, and with a brief 'excuse me', left the room.  
  
"What was that all about?" Andrew asked, dumbfounded.  
  
Tess looked confused as well. "God only knows, baby. She's not acting right, that's for sure. I'm going to be keeping my eye on that little angel." Andrew nodded his agreement, looking down the hall toward the room that Monica and Tess shared, a small knot of concern forming in his stomach. 


	3. Two

Andrew and Tess finished up the dishes and upon going to look for Monica, found that she had gone to bed. The two older angels exchanged a concerned look as Tess quietly closed the door to the bedroom.  
  
"Do you think she is that upset over being pulled off this case, Tess?" Andrew asked, his green eyes filled with worry.  
  
"I'm not sure, baby, but something about this isn't sitting right with me. Generally, she'd be pleased at the three of us having some time together, but she certainly is keeping to herself tonight."  
  
"Something certainly doesn't feel right," He frowned, knowing it really wasn't like his friend to sulk.  
  
"Well, hopefully by morning, she'll be back to her old self, Angel Boy," Tess ventured to say, "C'mon, I'll brew us a pot of coffee and you and I can have a catch up," Seeing him nod his head in agreement, though his eyes still shone with worry, the two of them headed back to the kitchen.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Tess was awakened from a sound sleep by the sound of her young charge in the next bed whimpering softly in her sleep. The older angel sighed as she wearily sat up and called out to her friend, "Monica? Wake up, baby."  
  
Getting no answer, Tess frowned as she got up and approached her friend's bed, moving to brush the hair from Monica's face and finding her hair damp and her face hot to the touch, "Good heavens, baby, you are burning up," She muttered softly.  
  
"Tess?" Monica choked out weakly, managing to open her tired brown eyes. "I'll be right back, baby. You've apparently managed to catch some kind of flu or something so let me get you something cool for your head and something for you to drink. You just rest, baby," Giving her friend's shoulder a gentle, reassuring squeeze, the older angel hurried from the room, nearly colliding with Andrew.  
  
"Tess?" His face was a mask of concern, reading the look on the supervising angel's face.  
  
"Monica's sick, Angel Boy. She's running a high fever from what I can tell. Will you sit with her while I grab her some juice and a cool cloth?"  
  
"I'll get a washcloth from the bathroom, Tess," He told her, his angelic instincts to care for another taking over as he headed to do just that. Wringing out a cool washcloth, he headed for the room his two friends were sharing, "Hey, Angel Girl," He called out softly, sitting down on the edge of her bed.  
  
"Hey yourself," She whispered, closing her eyes as she felt his hand on her forehead.  
  
"Tess tells me you're not feeling so good, sweetie," He frowned, feeling how hot she was, before he laid the cool cloth across her forehead.  
  
"Everything aches, Andrew, including my head," Monica managed weakly, though her voice held a tinge of fear, "What's wrong with me? I've never felt like this before."  
  
"I'm not sure, Angel Girl, but my guess is that you have what humans call the flu. The bad news is that you're going to feel like this for a day or two, but the good news is that is all the longer it usually lasts, then you'll feel good as new again." His hand moved to stroke her hair as she let out a soft moan as she tried to get comfortable, "And here I thought you just didn't like my cooking." He teased gently, with a wink in her direction. Monica managed a soft laugh, just as Tess came back into the room, carrying a glass of juice, "No, your cooking was fine. I just didn't feel very hungry."  
  
"All the more reason to get this into you," Tess responded as she approached with the glass of juice, "C'mon, baby, drink up."  
  
As the youngest angel struggled to sit up despite the aches and pains that surged through her with each movement, she felt Andrew's arms around her, helping her up and she cast him a grateful look. She managed to drink most of the juice, before Andrew helped her return to her pillow. The effort seemed to have exhausted her however, as a moment later she was asleep.  
  
With a sigh, Tess readjusted the cloth on Monica's forehead, as she exchanged a glance with Andrew, who continued to stroke the younger angel's auburn hair, "You thinking it's the flu, baby?"  
  
Andrew nodded his head, "Of course, Tess. What else could it be?"  
  
* * * * * *  
  
But three days later, Andrew and Tess both were wondering what else it could be, as the youngest angel showed no sign of improvement. Monica scarcely had enough energy to get out of bed as her fever continued to rage, and the other two angels were hard pressed to get anything to eat into her body. All she wanted to do was sleep and Tess and Andrew were growing more alarmed by the hour as their prayers went unanswered. Their concern was quickly turning to fear for the little angel who they both loved dearly, though Andrew was still surprised when Tess picked up the phone to call the doctor.  
  
"Tess," He implored her, as his friend waited on hold, "What are they going to do? Give her some drug that will mess with her angelic system and will maybe make things worse than they are now?"  
  
"Well, I don't know what else to do, Andrew!" She snapped at him, her concern fueling her temper, "I can't stand seeing that little angel like this."  
  
"I don't like it either, Tess," He replied softly, with a look letting her know that he was not the enemy here, only one who was equally concerned for his dear friend.  
  
"I know that, baby," She sighed, her voice softer this time, "But I have to do something, even if it isn't the right thing. Maybe they can tell us something that we aren't doing for her," She returned her attention to the phone in her hand as the receptionist picked up once again, "Yes, I need to schedule an appointment for a friend." 


	4. Three

The next morning, Monica and Tess drove to Holy Cross Memorial Medical Center, and entered the large building. Andrew had wanted to come with them, but he had been pulled away a few hours before on an assignment. As the two angels walked toward the elevator, the younger of the two couldn't help the small shiver that ran up her spine. She was more than a little worried about what she would experience inside the doctor's office. But, she chalked it up to the fact that she had never been to a doctor before as a patient, and put her worry out of her mind.  
  
Tess pulled open the door to suite 221 and ushered Monica inside. The waiting area was warm and inviting, not at all like the antiseptic environment of a hospital. Padded chairs lined the walls, and there were various magazines lying on the low tables in the center of the room. There was a large window in the far wall, and a nurse dressed in pastel-colored scrubs sat behind it doing paperwork.  
  
"Why don't you sit down, baby, and I'll check you in," Tess told her charge, gesturing to one of the chairs before heading towards the window to speak with the nurse. Monica sat in the chair Tess had indicated, and took in her surroundings. A few other people sat in the room, but for once in her existence, Monica didn't feel like starting a conversation with anyone.  
  
Tess stood in front of the window, and the nurse looked up at her with a smile, sliding the panel aside to greet her. "Can I help you?"  
  
"Yes, I'm here with my friend Monica. She has an appointment at 11:30."  
  
"OK, if you'll just fill these out, we'll be right with you," the nurse handed Tess a clipboard and a pencil. "We'll also need a copy of your insurance card for our records." Tess handed the nurse the insurance card that the Father had provided for them and began to fill out the forms. As soon as she finished, she handed them back to the nurse, and returned to her friend.  
  
A few minutes later, another nurse came out and called for Monica to come with her. Monica shot worried eyes to her supervisor, "Will you come with me?"  
  
"Of course I will, baby," Tess said, wrapping her arm around her friend's shoulders.  
  
They followed the nurse down the hall to an examination room. Monica was told to sit on the exam table, and Tess was given a chair. After the nurse left, Tess looked at Monica. "Don't worry angel girl. Everything's going to be fine. We just want you to get better fast, that's the only reason I made this appointment."  
  
Monica smiled, and was about to speak when the door opened and a woman entered the small room. "Hello," she said, looking at the chart she held in her hand, "Monica? I'm doctor Stanton. I understand you've been feeling a little under the weather recently."  
  
Monica nodded, "I can't seem to shake this flu. I've had it for about four days now."  
  
"I see. Any fever or anything?"  
  
"She's had a pretty high one for the last 3 days," Tess interjected.  
  
Dr. Stanton nodded as she walked to the cabinets on the other side of the room. Opening a drawer, she removed a digital thermometer. "OK, Monica, I want you to put this under your tongue for a minute." Monica opened her mouth, and the doctor inserted the thermometer, holding it there until it beeped before removing it. "102.5. that is pretty high, but nothing too serious," she said, throwing away the disposable mouthpiece and putting away the thermometer.  
  
She stood in front of Monica and felt around her neck, pushing down gently in spots. "Any pain here?" She asked.  
  
"A little, but not bad."  
  
Dr. Stanton nodded and continued feeling around on Monica's neck and upper chest. "Your lymph nodes are a little swollen. I want to have you lie down for me, so I can check something else." Monica did as the doctor asked, and Dr. Stanton placed one hand over the other on the angel's lower abdomen, and pushed down. Monica gasped as the doctor pressed. "I'm sorry, Monica, just hang on for a sec. I'm almost done." She released the pressure and Monica sat up again. "Your spleen is enlarged too, which can signal a lot of things. I'm going to order some blood tests, just so we can figure out what's going on, ok?"  
  
"Is something wrong, doctor?" Monica asked worriedly.  
  
"I don't know yet," the doctor replied, "let's just get the blood tests done and then we'll see where we are, OK?" Monica nodded slightly, and the doctor left the room.  
  
Once Dr. Stanton left Monica's examination room, she took the chart to the nurses' station in the center of the office area. "Patty, can you come over here for a sec?" When the nurse responded, Dr. Stanton handed her Monica's chart. "Can we get a CBC on this patient? And tell the lab to rush this, and put a note to check the WBC counts specifically. I'm expecting to see a high count. And we're probably going to have to set up a bone marrow biopsy."  
  
The nurse looked at the chart. "You're thinking Leukemia?"  
  
Dr. Stanton nodded, her eyes looking back in the direction of Monica's room, knowing that when the lab results came back, her patient's life was going to change drastically. 


	5. Four

The following day, the three angels sat at the kitchen table waiting for the phone to ring. Dr. Stanton had promised that someone would call them by this afternoon with the results of Monica's blood test and it was nearly 3:00pm and still there had been nothing.  
  
Monica wearily laid her head down in her folded arms, still not feeling any better, but tired of being in bed, even though she really didn't have the energy to do much of anything else. With each passing hour, she was becoming more and more frightened, though she was trying to keep this from showing with her friends as she could already see the deep worry in their eyes for her.  
  
Andrew reached across the table and gently rubbed her arm, smiling as she peered up at him and managed a weak smile, "They'll call soon, sweetie, and then we'll get to the bottom of this."  
  
"They'd better call soon," Tess grumbled, as she buttered some toast in the hopes of getting her Angel Girl to eat it. She knew her young charge had lost weight over the last five days as they could scarcely get her to eat anything at all. Laying the plate down in front of Monica, she looked at the paleness of the younger angel's face, "Humor me, baby and eat some of that, please?"  
  
Sighing softly, Monica sat up and though not feeling in the least bit hungry, she picked up a piece of the toast and nibbled at it gingerly. It was at that moment that the phone rang.  
  
Tess quickly grabbed it and after a short exchange, she handed the phone to Monica, "It's for you, baby. It's the doctor's office."  
  
Monica took the phone as she tried to swallow the bite of toast, which suddenly felt like sandpaper in her throat. Finally managing to swallow it, she held the phone up to her ear, "This is Monica."  
  
Andrew and Tess exchanged worried glances as Monica listened to what was being told to her and then agreed to come right into the office.  
  
As she disconnected the call, she looked up at her two friends, trying to keep her voice steady, "They said the test results came back abnormal and they are asking me to come into the office now so the doctor can speak with me," She managed a weak smile as she rose to her feet, "Don't look so worried. They must be abnormal because I'm an angel and we aren't made the same way as humans, right?"  
  
"Let's just go and hear what they have to say, Angel Girl," Tess replied, trying to keep her voice as light as she could as she reached for their jackets, "Angel Boy, are you coming with us?"  
  
"Yes," Andrew answered, his voice tight as he felt anxiety welling up inside of him. Saying no more, he took Monica's coat from Tess and helped the weakened angel into her jacket.  
  
***  
  
Thirty minutes later, the threesome sat in Dr. Stanton's office, listening as the doctor explained the test results to them.  
  
"We have a tentative diagnosis based on your blood tests and other symptoms, but we'll need to do another test in order to confirm our suspicions. I want to set that up for tomorrow morning, if that works for you, Monica."  
  
"What kind of test?" Andrew asked, his brow furrowing and his concern for his friend etched across his handsome features.  
  
"A bone marrow biopsy," Dr. Stanton answered, and then prepared to explain the procedure, but Monica cut her off before she could begin.  
  
"Doctor, what do you think it is that I have?" Monica asked pointedly, though she felt herself shaking as she awaited an answer.  
  
The doctor was quiet for a moment before she answered, "Nothing is confirmed yet, Monica. Please understand that. However, your test results have shown an abnormally high number of immature white blood cells. That coupled with the fact that your liver, spleen and lymph nodes are enlarged lead us to believe that you have leukemia. The bone marrow biopsy is to both confirm the diagnosis, and if our suspicions are correct, it will tell us exactly what form of leukemia we're looking at."  
  
Monica heard no more as she felt the room beginning to spin as her face turned deathly white. She wasn't even aware of Tess calling to her or Andrew catching her as she slumped over in her chair.  
  
***  
  
Monica was dimly aware of being lifted off of the floor and being placed on a gurney. She heard Andrew and Tess talking to the doctors, but their voices seemed so far away, as she slipped further into the welcoming darkness.  
  
The doctors wheeled Monica down to the emergency room of the hospital, her gurney being closely by Dr. Stanton, Tess, and Andrew. They placed the young angel in a slot between two curtains, and the doctors and nurses set to taking vital signs, and checking Monica over for injuries. As they finished their exam, Monica began to stir.  
  
One of the nurses looked over to Dr. Stanton, who was talking with Andrew and Tess, "Doctor, I think she's coming around."  
  
The young doctor walked over to Monica's bed, "Monica, can you hear me?"  
  
Monica's eyes fluttered open, and she looked around her. "What am I doing here?"  
  
"You passed out in my office upstairs. Do you remember?" Monica sat up slowly and nodded. "Monica, can you tell me when was the last time you had anything substantial to eat?"  
  
"She hasn't since she got sick," Tess interjected, "I can't get that child to eat a thing."  
  
The doctor nodded, "Uh-huh. That's what I thought. Monica, you've got to take better care of yourself, especially now. Not that I'm saying you don't, but your body is going to have different needs now, starting with food. Even if you don't feel hungry, you need to get vitamins or you're going to have spells like this. Even if you don't want to eat anything solid, you can drink a protein drink or something like that. You need the nutrition. I'll give you some vitamins to take, so we can keep this sort of thing from happening, OK?"  
  
Monica nodded. "OK."  
  
"Good," Dr. Stanton said, smiling. "Now, I'm going to set up that biopsy with the oncology department for tomorrow morning. I'll call you with the exact time."  
  
"You mean you're not going to be doing it?" Monica looked confused.  
  
"No, I won't be performing the procedure itself. That will be the job of the oncologist, a doctor who specializes in cancer. But, I will still be there, and I will be one of your doctors, so if you have any questions you can always call me." "Thank you, Doctor," Monica said gratefully.  
  
"You're welcome. Now, I'll get you discharged and you can go home. Eat something and try to get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
* * * * * *  
  
"Good morning, Monica," Dr. Stanton greeted her young patient as she entered the curtain area of the surgical waiting area. Monica was already dressed in a hospital gown, her legs covered with a thin white blanket. A clear plastic tube ran from the bag of liquid above her bed and attached to the IV in the back of her right hand. Tess sat on a stool next to her charge's bed, and Andrew stood in the opposite corner of the curtained area.  
  
"Good morning," Monica replied, smiling at the doctor.  
  
"We're going to be taking you into the surgical room soon, but I wanted to go over the procedure with you, so there'll be no surprises." When Monica nodded, Dr. Stanton continued. "Now, you're going to be conscious throughout the whole procedure, but we'll give you a sedative through your IV to help you relax. We don't use a general anesthetic because the risks involved with that are too large to use it with minor surgery. The oncologist will give you a local anesthetic, and that'll numb the area. Then he'll make a small incision and insert the needle into your hipbone so he can extract the marrow. The last part of the biopsy involves actually taking a small piece of the bone out."  
  
"Will it hurt?" Monica asked quietly, her fingers nervously toying with her plastic hospital bracelet.  
  
"I'm not going to lie to you," the doctor said. "It's not going to be one of the most enjoyable experiences you'll ever have. But, the only part that will be uncomfortable is the last part, because we can't anesthetize the inside of the bone. It's not terrible pain though. You'll be just fine, and I'll be right there with you the whole time."  
  
Monica took a deep breath and nodded slightly. "OK, let's get this over with."  
  
"Good attitude," Dr. Stanton said, patting Monica's arm and smiling. "I'll tell the oncologist you're ready, and I'll see you in there." The older woman picked Monica's chart up off of the bed and walked over to the nurses' station, telling a nurse to alert the oncologist that they were ready before disappearing through the large double doors that lead to the surgical suites.  
  
Once the doctor had gone, Monica turned to her friends with a brave look on her face, though her eyes betrayed her. Tess reached forward and squeezed her young friend's hand, "We'll be right here when you get back, baby," she said reassuringly.  
  
Andrew stepped over to his friend's bedside just as the orderlies came to take her to surgery. Bending down, he gently kissed Monica's forehead. "I'll be praying for you sweetie."  
  
"We both will," Tess added.  
  
"I know you will," Monica told them. "I'll see you in a bit."  
  
The orderlies disengaged the brakes on Monica's bed and wheeled her toward the same doors Dr. Stanton had disappeared through a few minutes before. They took her down a long corridor, and stopped before a set of doors labeled in large block letters "OR 4." There, one of the orderlies hit a button on the wall next to the doors, and they swung open. Monica was wheeled into the room, and her bed was placed next to the stationary surgical bed in the center of the room. She was asked to move to the other bed, and the orderlies helped her scoot over without disturbing her IV. Once Monica was situated, Dr. Stanton came in; followed by another man Monica recognized as the oncologist she had met that morning.  
  
"Hello Monica," the man, Dr. Malcolm Vandersluis, greeted her. "We're going to get you prepped for the biopsy now. I'm going to have Dr. Stanton help you get positioned on your side so I'll have access to your hip, and then the nurses will drape the area and administer the sedative. I'll be back in a few minutes, OK?"  
  
Monica nodded, and the Dr. Vandersluis exited the room. As he had instructed, Monica got positioned on her side, her head resting on a pillow. Female nurses arranged sterile sheets and drapes around her hip area, the only exposed area being a small patch of skin directly above the hipbone. During the draping process, another nurse injected a small amount of clear liquid into the port in Monica's IV, and she began to feel drowsy.  
  
Dr. Stanton seated herself on a stool facing Monica "You're going to feel a little sleepy, but you'll be awake through the whole procedure, okay? How are you feeling?"  
  
"I'm a little scared," Monica answered, her words slightly slurred from the sedative, her eyes heavy lidded.  
  
"I know you are," Dr. Stanton replied. All at once, the mothering instinct in the older doctor took over and she reached out and took Monica's hand in her own, squeezing it gently. Monica squeezed back as tightly as she could.  
  
A moment later, Dr. Vandersluis re-entered the room, and crossed over to Monica's bed. Her back was facing him, so she couldn't see him, but she could hear his words. "OK, Monica, I'm going to start now. The whole thing is going to take about a half hour from this point. I'll explain each step as I go along so you know what to expect. The first thing you're going to feel is a small prick. That's the local anesthetic."  
  
The doctor reached over to the tray sitting behind Monica's head and removed a small syringe. He uncapped it, and inserted the needle into the exposed skin, and depressed the plunger slightly, moving the needle around as he injected more of the anesthetic. Monica gasped slightly as the needle went in, but relaxed.  
  
Dr. Vandersluis withdrew the needle and the nurse handed him the next thing on the table, a scalpel. He nodded to Dr. Stanton, who began speaking to Monica quietly. "Now, he's using a scalpel to make a small incision in the skin where he'll insert the needle we talked about. You won't feel this part because of the local."  
  
Once the incision was made, he was handed the largest thing on the tray - the biopsy needle. It was about 6 inches long, and metal, with a T- shaped handle on the end of it. The doctor gripped this handle, and positioned it at the incision site. "Okay, Monica, this is the big part. You won't feel anything until I get inside the bone, and then it'll be a little uncomfortable. I'll try to go fast, so just hang in there for me."  
  
Monica gripped Dr. Stanton's hand even tighter as Dr. Vandersluis began to advance the needle. As he neared the inside of the bone, Monica tightened up and a whimper of pain escaped her. "It's okay, love," Dr. Stanton said. "I know it hurts, but it's important that you don't move. He's almost there, and you're doing great."  
  
Dr. Vandersluis stopped advancing the needle, and the jolt of pain Monica had felt shooting through her hip subsided to a strong ache. "OK, we're there. You're doing very well Monica. The next thing I'm going to do is insert the plunger that we'll use to extract the marrow. This shouldn't be uncomfortable for you, so try to relax."  
  
Monica let out a breath of air she didn't know she had been holding, and closed her eyes. Dr. Stanton smoothed the hair from the young angel's forehead as she watched Dr. Vandersluis extract the marrow with the plunger. Over the next 20 minutes, he took enough of the thick, pink, bone marrow to cover eight microscope slides, which were handed one by one to a nurse who would take them to pathology to be tested. Finally, he removed the plunger and leaned forward to speak to Monica once more.  
  
"OK, we're almost home free. Now comes the other biggie. I have to remove a bone fragment from your hip so we can check the bone consistency. Monica nodded slightly and once again reached for Dr. Stanton's hand. As Dr. Vandersluis began to remove the bone chip, Monica was once again hit with a white-hot bolt of pain. She whimpered again and a tear rolled down her cheek from underneath her tightly closed eyes. "Hang in there Monica," the doctor said as he worked to remove the bone fragment. He finally pulled it out, placing it in a specimen cup before removing the needle. "OK, we're all done. You did beautifully Monica."  
  
"It's over?" Monica asked.  
  
Dr. Stanton nodded as the other doctor left the room to give the bone sample to a nurse so it could be sent to the lab. "It's over love. I'm just going to have a nurse dress the incision and then we'll take you to recovery to see your friends. You're going to have to lie very still for about an hour, to prevent any complications."  
  
"No problem," Monica mumbled, her eyes barely open due to the effects of the sedative. Dr. Stanton chuckled at her patient's remark, and made some notes in her chart as the nurse put a bandage on the incision and helped Monica roll over onto her back. Two orderlies transferred her to a rolling gurney, easily lifting her small frame. She was then wheeled into the recovery room, which was just across the hall from the waiting area Monica had previously been in.  
  
Tess and Andrew were allowed in just as Monica's bed was being deposited in the curtained area. "Hi baby," Tess said, brushing the hair off of Monica's forehead.  
  
"How are you doing sweetie?" Andrew asked her.  
  
"I'm fine right now, but as soon as this sedative wears off I think I'm going to be in trouble," Monica told him, her words still slurring together. Tess and Andrew laughed at Monica's remark, and she smiled slightly as her eyes slid shut. A few minutes later, she was sound asleep. 


	6. Five

            The next week passed much too slowly for Monica's liking.  The youngest angel was strung so tightly that Tess and Andrew felt like they were walking on eggshells around her.  Tess especially was worried about her angel girl, because Monica had been confiding in her a lot during the week.  The older angel remembered one night in particular, one that had given her the first glimpse into Monica's fears.  It was about three days after the biopsy, and Monica had woken Tess in the middle of the night with her tossing and turning.  Tess only had to turn on the light before realizing that something was wrong.  She had gestured for Monica to sit down on her bed, and barely had time to react before the trembling angel threw herself into Tess's arms.  Monica had cried for a long time, and Tess knew that it was the first time the young angel had allowed herself to feel anything relating to what was happening to her.  They had spent hours talking after Monica calmed down, and the young angel told Tess everything.

            "I lie awake at night, so afraid of what's going to happen to me," She had said.  "I mean, I know that God is there and everything, but I think I know what Kayla was feeling now.  It's like I'm standing at the edge of this dark place in my existence… and I know that I have to go through it alone, because no matter how much you and Andrew want to help me, you can't take this away.  And I just feel so lost…" her voice trailed off then and she gave into a new rush of tears.  For all her angelic wisdom, Tess couldn't find a single thing to say to Monica. Even telling her that she was never alone seemed redundant, something that left Tess speechless.  She just held her and let her cry.  

            Monica also told Tess another thing that night that caused the older angel to worry.  Tess had tucked her friend into bed again, promising to stay by her side until she fell asleep.  "Don't tell Andrew anything about tonight," Monica said, her eyes pleading.  "I don't want him to know how scared I am."

            Tess reluctantly promised, but as her friend drifted into sleep, the older angel found herself growing more and more concerned about what Monica's reasons were.  Usually, Andrew was the one Monica went running to when she was scared, and now she didn't want him to know about her fear?  Tess knew that eventually Andrew would know that Monica was withholding her feelings from him, and she worried that it would test their friendship.  Would Monica be strong enough for that?

***

            Finally, the week passed, and Monica found herself sitting in Dr. Vandersluis's spacious office, with Andrew and Tess sitting on either side of her.  Dr. Stanton sat in another chair to the side of the desk, holding Monica's chart.

            "Well Doctor, what's the verdict," Andrew asked, trying to lighten the mood.  Monica stifled a laugh at the irony of that remark.  To the young angel, that's exactly what she felt like…a defendant about to be handed a death sentence.

            Dr. Vandersluis cleared his throat and said, "It looks like our suspicions were correct.  You do have leukemia.  To be more specific, you have Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia, ALL for short.  It's a form of cancer that attacks the bone marrow and the lymph system, the system that helps the kidneys to clean the blood."

            Monica paled a bit.  Somewhere in her being, she had known those words were coming, but to actually hear them spoken gave life to a monster that she wasn't sure she was ready to fight.  She took a deep breath and said, "What's going to happen now?"

            "You're going to be admitted to the oncology ward here, and you'll stay and receive treatment until you go into remission."

            "How long?"  Monica asked.

            "It's hard to say," Dr. Vandersluis told her.  "Some patients go into remission after two weeks, and some have to stay two months.  It's really impossible to say definitively."

            "When?"  

            "I'd like to admit you tonight, and start your chemotherapy as soon as possible.  I want to attack this aggressively, so that we can get your system fighting with us."  The doctor made some notes in Monica's chart, and then told them to be back at the hospital admit desk at 5:00 that evening, when he would explain Monica's treatment plan.  

            The angels were at the correct location that night, with Andrew carrying Monica's overnight bag.  Monica herself was dressed in jeans and a sweater, and walked listlessly, barely noticing her surroundings.  The nurses took Monica's information down, and then led her to a room where the angel was told to change out of her street clothes.  Tess had bought Monica a new nightgown, and the young angel went into the small bathroom to change.  She was then told to get into the bed, and another nurse milled around taking Monica's blood pressure, heart rate, and oxygen levels.  

            While the nurse was checking her over, Monica looked around the hospital room.  It was a simple layout, with two hospital beds that could be separated with a curtain, a dresser, a closet, and a small bathroom.  Monica glanced at the other side of the room.  Nobody was in the other bed, but it had definitely been slept in.  There were also a few cards and some flowers on the windowsill.  Monica wondered who her roommate would be. 

            She didn't have too much time to wonder, however, because soon after the nurse finished her business, Dr. Vandersluis entered the room, followed by Dr. Stanton.  "Hi, Monica.  I see you've gotten time to settle in."  Dr. Vandersluis pulled a stool over from the other side of the room and sat down.  "I'm going to go over the plan for your treatment with you, so we can start in the morning.  The first thing we'll do is put in a Hickman Line."

            Monica looked at the doctors with a puzzled expression, "What's that?"

            Dr. Stanton smiled.  "It's a small tube that we insert under the skin in your chest and feed into one of the main blood vessels leading to the heart.  It allows us to draw blood and administer injections easily and quickly, without hurting you.  You'll also get all your chemo through the line."

            "It's another trip back to the OR, but this one doesn't hurt at all," Dr. Vandersluis added.  "We'll do the procedure in the morning, and the only discomfort you'll feel will probably happen tomorrow night."

            "When are you going to start chemo?"  Tess asked the doctors.  

            "Within the next few days," Dr. Vandersluis answered.  "The chemo will weaken Monica's immune system, so we want to make sure there are absolutely no signs of infection after we place the Hickman line.  If all goes well, we'll start chemo the day after tomorrow."

            Monica nodded, and then brought her hand to her mouth to stifle a yawn.  The others caught her movement though, and Dr. Vandersluis stood.  "We should all let Monica get some rest now."  Turning to Andrew and Tess, he said, "We'll be doing the procedure in the morning around 10:00AM.  She should be done by 11:00 if you want to come back then."  

            Monica nodded at her friends, and then reached her arms out to them as they went to hug her.  Andrew kissed his friend's forehead gently, and whispered in her ear, "I'll only be a phone call away, Angel Girl."

            "I know." 

            Tess hugged Monica too, and then she and Andrew turned and left the room, followed by Dr. Vandersluis.  

            "Dr. Stanton?"  Monica called to the older woman.

            The doctor turned back and went back to Monica's bedside, taking a seat in the stool Dr. Vandersluis had occupied.  The older woman had a feeling that her young patient might have some questions that she didn't ask in front of her friends.  She was just waiting for the right time.  Dr. Stanton waited expectantly for Monica to speak.  "About the chemo…  I've worked with cancer patients and will I… I mean, is my hair going to fall out and everything?"

            Dr. Stanton knew that the hair was the least of Monica's worries, but she played along, and answered just the question asked.  "Chemotherapy kills off the fastest growing cells in the body, and that's why it works so well against cancer cells.  Unfortunately, it does cause most patients to lose their hair."

            Monica nodded slightly, and looked at her hands, which were clasped tightly in her lap.  Dr. Stanton glanced at the other bed in the room, and her look brightened a little.  "I'll bet your roommate will be able to tell you more about what you'll experience," she said.  "Her name is Kayla, and she's going through the same thing.  She's usually watching television this time of night, but she should be back before too long."

            "Ok," Monica said.  "Thanks Dr. Stanton."

            "You're welcome love," the kindly doctor replied.  "I'm on call all night tonight, so if you need anything, just have the nurses page me."

            Monica smiled as Dr. Stanton left the room.  She sat alone for a few minutes, thinking about her current situation.  Dr. Stanton had said that her roommate's name was Kayla.  Now, why did she know that name?  All of a sudden, it hit her.  Kayla Johnston was the assignment that she was originally pulled off of.  Could that mean…

            "Yes, Monica, you are back on this case," A voice said.  

            Monica looked up, startled, and saw Sam standing next to her bed.  The young angel smiled brightly at him, "Really?"

            Sam nodded.  "Kayla may be fighting now, but it's going to be up to you to see that she keeps fighting.  That you both do."

            Monica looked down at her hands again, letting Sam's words sink in.  She was about to say something else when she looked up and saw that Sam was gone.  She felt too tired to wait for Kayla that night, so the angel laid down and closed her eyes.  As she drifted into slumber, she once again heard Sam's words... _"it's going to be up to you to see that she keeps fighting.  That you both do..."___


	7. Six

Tess awoke late that night after much tossing and turning; she just couldn't seem to relax knowing that her Angel Girl was lying in that hospital bed, probably scared and alone, wondering what her fate would be in this latest assignment.  
  
With a weary sigh, the older angel got up and donned her robe, before she headed out the bedroom door to the kitchen. Much to her surprise, she saw that the light above the sink was on and that Andrew was sitting at the table, still fully dressed and his expression pensive.  
  
"You couldn't sleep either, huh baby?" Tess asked, watching as he looked up in surprise and his expression softened as he shook his head. Smiling knowingly, she sat down beside of him, "Not the same around here without her is it?"  
  
Andrew shook his head sadly as his fingers toyed with the pocket watch he held in his hands, "I'm trying to understand this, Tess, but it's so difficult. Why Monica and why cancer?"  
  
"There is only One who holds those answers, Angel Boy and it isn't up to us to question," Tess replied though her voice was void of the sternness she often used when she said such things, "Though I admit, I've been asking myself the same things."  
  
"I'm worried about her, Tess," He stated after a moment, "I mean, I know she is an angel and that despite all of this, when it is all said and done, it will all be all right, but the thought of her feeling real physical pain just gets to me, Tess. Plus, knowing Monica, she will try to be strong for everyone, even despite how she really feels. I mean, she is being so brave, Tess and we know her better than that. She has to be terrified."  
  
The two angels were silent for a moment before Tess finally spoke up, "Well, it seems that neither one of us is going to get any sleep until we check on her, so lets go," She winked at her friend and fellow angel, as he rose to his feet, a look of some relief finally on his face.  
  
A moment later the two angels appeared in the hospital room, unnoticed to anyone, even to Monica, had she been awake.  
  
"Sound asleep," Tess said softly, reaching a hand down and smoothing back the youngest angel's hair from her face.  
  
"She looks so vulnerable, Tess," Andrew replied, a wave of sadness creeping over him, "So innocent, like nothing on this earth should ever be allowed to hurt her."  
  
"And nothing on this earth can hurt her that the Father cannot heal, baby," She replied softly, though her own eyes were pained at her young friend's plight, "She seems to be resting peacefully. We'll come back in the morning before her procedure," Smiling down at the Irish angel, Tess whispered, "Sweet dreams, Angel Girl."  
  
Bending down, Andrew placed a loving kiss on the side of his friend's head,  
  
"God is watching over you, Monica."  
  
The young angel stirred slightly, sensing the familiar presence, "Andrew."She murmured in her sleep.  
  
A small smile on his face, he placed a gentle hand on her head, "Sleep, sweetheart. We'll see you in the morning," He whispered, watching as she quieted and fell once more into deep slumber.  
  
***  
  
Monica awoke the next morning and squinted at the bright light in the hospital room. She stretched slowly as she sat up, having the feeling that her friends had been here for a time last night. It was either that or a dream and right now, she wasn't sure of which it was. Sitting up slowly, she looked over and noticed that Kayla was already awake and nibbling gingerly on a piece of toast, "Hello," The angel offered, as she managed a sleepy smile at her new roommate.  
  
"Good morning," Kayla returned the smile before she laid back exhaustedly on her pillows and turned her head to the newcomer, "Cancer patient?" Seeing Monica nod her head, she continued, "The nausea gets me every time. I never imagined that eating could be such a chore. My name's Kayla."  
  
"Monica," She replied, rubbing the sleep from her eyes, "You're undergoing chemotherapy then?"  
  
"For two weeks now and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but unfortunately, you'll find out soon enough."  
  
Monica's stomach churned with dread at her words, though she struggled to remain upbeat, "They're putting in my Hickman line this morning," She explained, reflecting on how two weeks ago, she had never even heard that term and now she sounded like an expert on cancer procedures.  
  
"That's not so bad. You'll be a little sore afterwards, but its bearable," Kayla noticed the fear in the other woman's eyes and wanted to be able to put her at ease as much as she could.  
  
"It will all be worth it to go into remission though," Noticing that Kayla didn't respond, Monica tried to change the subject, "What do you do? For a living, I mean."  
  
"I'm a teacher; second grade," She replied, a warmth filling her eyes and the angel knew that Kayla had a career she loved.  
  
"It must be such a blessing to teach the wee ones. They are so inquisitive at that age," Monica smiled.  
  
"You're right about that. The hardest thing I ever did was explaining cancer to them. Some of the parents weren't too happy I decided to divulge my health information, but if I was going to be away from them for a while, I was at least going to be honest with them. Besides, one day this disease will affect their lives in one way or another, whether it is a family member or a friend," She managed a small laugh, "When I was a kid, I thought that as long as I didn't smoke, I'd never get it. Now that I have it, I almost wish I had taken on the nasty habit, if for no other reason, to calm my nerves about wondering how this is all going to turn out."  
  
"Good morning, ladies," Dr. Stanton smiled as she came into the room, "I see the two of you have met." Seeing them both nodding their heads, she continued, "Kayla, you really need to eat more of your breakfast in order to keep your strength up."  
  
"I'm trying, doctor," Kayla groaned, though her eyes showed the fact that she was rather found of the doctor, "Tell my stomach that."  
  
"I know, but you have to take care of your body, now especially and you know that. I'm trusting you to set the example for Monica." Winking Kayla's way, Dr. Stanton turned her attention to her newest patient as she approached Monica's bed, "How are you feeling this morning, love?"  
  
"Still rather tired, though I slept fairly well," The angel admitted.  
  
"It comes with the territory unfortunately," The doctor smiled gently, "They'll be up for you in about an hour, so you'd better get something to eat in you while you can."  
  
"Will you be there while they do this?" Monica asked hopefully and the doctor could instantly see the fear in her young patient's dark eyes.  
  
"Yes," she responded, resting a hand on the angel's shoulder, "I'll talk you through it, just like the biopsy," She saw relief fill Monica's eyes and she smiled, "Now eat something and I'll be back for you in a bit, all right?"  
  
"Yes, ma'am," Monica replied, as she reached to uncover her tray that had been brought in just before she had woken up. The oatmeal looked hot and there was toast, but she felt anything but hungry.  
  
Seeing that Dr. Stanton had departed, Kayla looked over at her new friend, "Eat while you can, Monica. After today, it only gets worse."  
  
Monica smiled half-heartedly, the panic once again rising up within her, but she pushed it aside as she drew in a deep breath and took up a spoonful of oatmeal. A thought flashed through her mind briefly that maybe the oatmeal was like the cancer, and as soon as she did what she had to do, regardless of how much she didn't want to, the faster it would all go away. 


	8. Seven

            The orderlies were later than Dr. Stanton's prediction, coming for Monica about two hours after she woke up.  The next time the angel came back to the room, she had a small bit of tubing sticking out from her body.  It could hardly be seen, and it didn't hurt, which was a welcome change from the last time she was in the OR.  She was also pleased to find out that she wasn't getting pricked with needles every time the nurses needed to give her medications or take blood.  They just inserted the needle into the catheter and they had access to her veins. 

            Andrew and Tess showed up a little while after Kayla had left for her treatment, and greeted Monica with hugs and warm words.  As the young angel hugged Andrew, she noticed that he only used one arm.  The other was wound behind his back, obviously trying to conceal something from her view.  "What's that?"  She asked him. 

            Andrew looked at the gift bag in his hand like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar.  "It's just something I picked up yesterday, I thought you might like it."

            He handed her the silver gift bag and watched as she removed the black leather book from the tissue wrappings.  It was a nice journal, complete with a ribbon tie and a pen.  "It's wonderful, Andrew, thank you."

            Andrew shrugged.  "Yeah, well we thought that since you're not going to be able to talk twenty-four seven while you're in here, that this was the next best thing."  Monica gave her best 'Tess look' to Andrew, but her eyes were smiling.  

            "How are you feeling, baby," Tess asked her.

            "Actually, I feel fine," Monica replied.  "Other than being tired, I really don't feel sick at all."  The young angel's face lit up, "Oh, and guess who my roommate is!"

            "We heard," Tess said.  "Have you two had any time to talk?"

            "Some.  She's a second grade teacher, and she seems like a really lovely person."

            As the three angels continued chatting, a nurse that Monica had not seen before came into the room.  She was petite, with dark, curly hair styled close to her head, and an air of country friendliness.  "Hi, I'm Vicky.  I'll be here during the days."  She shook hands with Tess and Andrew, and then turned to her patient.  "How are you doin?"  She asked Monica, her voice warmed by a slight southern accent.  "Any pain or anythin?"  Monica answered the nurse's questions, and watched absently as the nurse took her vital signs, noting each one carefully the angel's chart.  She checked Monica's line, and then made another note in the chart before closing it.  "Well, that's all I need for now, but if you need anythin, just use your call button."            Monica nodded her thanks as Vicky left the room.

            The three angels chatted for a while longer until they saw Kayla being wheeled into the room by an orderly.  The young man helped her from the wheelchair to her bed, and then Kayla turned to Monica, speaking for the first time since she had entered the room.  "I hate chemo.  I always feel like I got run over by a truck afterwards," She told her roommate with a half chuckle.

            Monica wrinkled her nose, "Sounds like I have a lot to look forward to."  She gestured to Andrew and Tess.  "Kayla, I want you to meet my two best friends, Andrew and Tess."  

            "Hello baby," Tess said, "I'm glad to meet you."

            "Likewise," Kayla replied. 

            "Monica tells me you're a teacher," Andrew said, "How long have you been doing that?"

            "Only about five years.  But, I can already tell that it's what I'm meant to do with my life…" she looked pensive, "However long that may be."

            The angels exchanged glances, and then Tess stood up.  "Well, we'd love to stay and chat all night, but I think they're gonna throw us out of here before too long."  She bent down and hugged Monica, "We'll see you later, baby.  It was wonderful meeting you, Kayla."

            "Same here.  I'll see you later."

            Andrew also hugged Monica and said goodbye to Kayla, and the two angels retreated from the room.  Once the two were alone, Monica turned to Kayla, "You know, I think you life is going to be a long and happy one.  You just have to believe that, too."

            Kayla looked down at her hands, "I know.  But you also know that sometimes that's easier said than done."  When Monica didn't say anything, Kayla said, "I think I'm gonna take a nap… the treatments always wipe me out.  Wake me when they bring dinner, OK?"   Monica nodded and Kayla lay down, putting her back to the angel.  

            While Kayla was sleeping, Monica decided to put the journal that Andrew had given her to use.  She took it from the bedside table, and untied the satin ribbon.  She thought for a minute about what she wanted to write, and the words began pouring out of her…

            _Andrew bought me this journal as a way to keep my thoughts in one place, in case I didn't have anyone to listen.  Truthfully, I don't think I would even know what to say if someone was listening.  I've never felt this human before.  But, here I am, sick with a very human illness, and feeling the same human emotions… fear, hurt, confusion, and even anger.  I certainly don't feel like an angel right now._

_            The doctors said that there is a chance I might die from this disease, and that scares me too.  I know that I as an angel cannot die, but my human form can.  If that form dies, what will happen to me?  Will I ever see Andrew and Tess again?  _

_            I know I'm going to beat this though…I've got the Father on my side, and the best friends in the Angelic Realm.  I hope I can help Kayla get through this too, I know that she's strong, but something like this can break a human, and I think I'm finally beginning to realize that.  The one thing I do know is that I don't want Andrew to know how much this is affecting me.  I don't even understand my own feelings yet, and he is so protective of me.  I don't think I can bear what it would do to him.  But, I don't know if I can bear this on my own.  Father, I hope you help me… I'm just so confused._

Monica sighed and closed the journal, having written the only thoughts down that weren't still jumbled up within her.  Stifling a yawn with her hand, she decided to follow her roommate's example.  She tied the ribbon, and returned the small book to the bedside table, before lying down and pulling her blanket up over her slim shoulders.  As sleep overtook her, she sent up a quick prayer for Kayla, and herself.


	9. Eight

"Feeling better?" Monica asked Kayla brightly the following morning, seeing as her roommate was finally waking up. Kayla had slept through dinner last night despite the Irish angel's attempts to wake her up, so Monica had finally given up and let her sleep.  
  
"I'm getting there," Kayla replied tiredly as she struggled to sit up in bed, her tired body aching. Uncovering her breakfast tray, she smiled wryly, "You know I must be hungry because this actually looks good."  
  
Monica grinned, actually feeling a bit hungrier herself this morning and she had nearly polished off the majority of her breakfast, "I tried to wake you last night, but you must have been exhausted."  
  
Kayla smiled at the cheerful young woman in the bed next to hers, "You're good to eat breakfast this morning as you are starting chemo today. Sometimes it helps with the nausea," She advised as she nibbled on a piece of toast, "Your friends seemed really sweet."  
  
"Tess and Andrew are wonderful," Monica replied, and Kayla noted how her eyes sparkled at the mention of them, "I'll bet you're anxious to get back to your wee ones."  
  
Kayla smiled faintly, "I do miss them and I only hope that I'll get back to them one day."  
  
"Why hope when you can pray about it, Kayla?" Monica asked gently, wondering exactly where her assignment stood on this issue.  
  
"What? Pray to take away what I never asked for to begin with?" Kayla countered, her eyes shining with a bit of anger, "No thanks, Monica."  
  
"But maybe you're meant to learn something from this experience," The angel offered, deciding to proceed with caution.  
  
Kayla couldn't help but to smile at her new Irish tongued friend, though she was a bit naïve, "You're sweet, Monica, but all I've learned is that I understand now what pain is that is so terrible you wish for death. This disease isn't fun, as you will soon find out unfortunately," She sighed softly as she leaned back on her pillows, "What I still hope to learn is when it is time to give up and throw in the towel."  
  
This woman even speaking of giving up the fight shocked Monica and she struggled for words, "Whatever happened to 'It's over when it's over'? When God says it's over-."  
  
"No, Monica. It's too exhausting and once I no longer have the energy or the will to fight it, I'm not doing it any longer," She stated firmly, with a look letting her friend know that she would not be swayed in this decision.  
  
Biting her lip, Monica took the hint and decided against any further argument at this point, but at least now, she was very clear on what her assignment here was.  
  
***  
  
By 10:00 that night, Monica knew two things.  
  
One was that she was glad Andrew and Tess had visited her prior to her chemotherapy that day. Number two was that she now understood Kayla's statement about wishing for death. Even though she would never wish for it personally, she definitely now understood the concept.  
  
She had been sick so many times that she didn't see how there could be anything left in her stomach. Her throat hurt, her abdominal wall ached so badly it hurt to move, which wasn't a completely bad thing as she was now too weak to consider moving anyway. She had given up hours ago on returning to bed each time the nausea subsided and now just welcomed the cool tiles on the bathroom floor against her hot cheek. Monica felt at this point that she had to remind herself to breathe, as she had never been so sick before and she had to keep reminding herself that she was indeed an angel. Her night nurse, who was not in the best of spirits had finally taken the hint from her whimpers for her to just leave her alone, and had continued making her rounds, leaving the little Irish angel alone to just lie on the floor with tears streaking her pale cheeks.  
  
Even in her current state of mind, she knew that she never wanted Andrew or Tess to see her this way, as she knew how much they loved her and that it would break their hearts. She had asked them to please wait until tomorrow to visit her again, and had explained that she would probably be tired after treatment, but she had no idea.  
  
It was Kayla, who at midnight, hearing that the worst of it seemed to be over for now, helped Monica to her feet and back into bed, despite the exhausted protests from her friend out of fear that moving would cause her to be sick yet again. Getting her situated in bed, Monica's head slumped down to her pillow, uttering nothing more than soft moans mixed with tears. Getting the cloth and water that the nurse had left, Kayla gently bathed her friend's feverish forehead, "It's okay, honey," She soothed gently, feeling terribly sorry for Monica, as Kayla had never seen anyone get quite so violently ill from the side effects of chemotherapy. Picking up the Styrofoam cup off the bedside table, Kayla adjusted the straw and brought it to Monica's lips, "You need to get some of this water in you, Monica."  
  
"I can't."Monica whimpered softly, her Irish voice hoarse.  
  
"Yes, you can," Kayla countered firmly, "The last thing you want is to dehydrate, so you need to get this down. I know it sucks, but this whole chemo thing sucks, and you have to do your part to not make it worse."  
  
"It can get worse?" She whispered, unable to even imagine that at this point.  
  
Unable to keep a sad smile from her face, Kayla continued, "Yes, it can, so do us both a favor and drink this, okay?"  
  
She sighed with relief as Monica finally gave in and drank as much of the water as she could manage, relieved when it didn't make her feel like she needed to dart to the bathroom again, as darting was no longer an option for her tonight.  
"Good girl," Kayla said softly, as she returned cup to the nightstand. Seeing that her newfound friend was dropping off to sleep at long last, Kayla covered her with the blanket and with a sad sigh, returned to her own bed for the remainder of the night.  
  
At 9:00 the next morning, the Irish angel was still fast asleep when Andrew and Tess arrived in her room, Andrew carrying a vase of wildflowers and Tess a balloon bouquet. The two angels exchanged worried glances, seeing the paleness of their friend's face as she slept curled up tightly on her bed, and not even Andrew's gentle touch to her cheek caused her to stir.  
  
Kayla looked up at them just as the nurse came into the room to take her to her next chemotherapy treatment, and she saw the concern in their eyes. She didn't feel right telling them too much as she didn't know how much Monica wanted to keep to herself, so she managed a slight smile, "She had a rough night last night," She said simply, deciding not to elaborate on just how horrendous it had been, even from her point of view, "You may want to stop back later, before she goes to her chemo session. She should be awake by then." Getting up, she seated herself in the wheelchair that the hospital insisted upon before the nurse wheeled her away.  
  
"A rough night, huh?" Tess murmured, more to herself than to Andrew, who had taken a seat beside of his friend's bed as he stroked her hair gently.  
  
"She looks so.small, Tess," He whispered sadly, his emerald eyes filled with concern over his gentle friend.  
  
Tess sighed softly, her own expression one of worry, "I know, baby. C'mon, lets you and I go and grab some breakfast and then we'll come back and see if our Angel Girl is awake by then," She waited as he gave Monica's head a soft kiss, before he got up and followed Tess out of the hospital room. 


	10. Nine

Shortly after leaving Tess and Andrew found a booth in the hospital cafeteria, and sat down to a breakfast Tess described as "something Monica would cook". After they sat down, Andrew wasted no time in asking Tess the question that the older supervisor suspected had plagued him all morning. "Tess, why is this happening to Monica?"

"You know perfectly well why, Halo Boy." Tess told him firmly. "It's part of the Father's plan and He said so, that's why, and I shouldn't have to remind you of that." Though she would never admit it to her charge, Tess had been considering that very same thought in the back of her mind. She knew that God works in mysterious ways, but did that way really have to be so drastic? 

Andrew lowered his eyes, and began to eat his breakfast slowly, obviously deep in thought. He got about half way through his oatmeal and toast before he realized that what he had just eaten felt like lead in his stomach. Gulping down the rest of his orange juice, he stood up and stacked his dishes on his tray. "Monica should be up by now, why don't we go see her?"

Tess nodded wordlessly and stood, following Andrew out of the cafeteria and to the elevators. Neither angel said anything as they rode the elevators to Monica's floor, and walked down the hall to their friend's room. As they entered, they saw that Monica was awake, and much to Andrew's relief, looking slightly better than she had earlier.

"Hi, Baby," Tess said, leaning down to hug her charge. 

Monica weakly hugged both her friends, not missing the concern in their eyes. "I'm alright. The chemo was just hard on my system, that's all." The managed a smile for them.

"You're sure?" Andrew asked.

Monica nodded. "Kayla said the first treatment is always the worst, but they can give me a medication that should help with the side effects." 

Andrew seemed relieved, but as Tess took a closer look at her Angel Girl, she saw the dark circles under her eyes, and the paleness of her skin. The older angel also picked up a hint of hoarseness in Monica's voice, something else that concerned her. As she sat listening to Andrew and Monica's conversation, the older angel decided that she would be paying a later visit to her young charge, who was a long cry from 'alright'.

***

That afternoon, Monica was wheeled into another room for her second chemotherapy treatment. Once in the room, Monica was directed to get into the bed, and wait for the nurse. The room itself was small, with just the bed Monica was lying in, and some other medical equipment. There was also a small television hanging from the ceiling across from the bed. 

The nurse entered shortly, carrying two IV bags and a large syringe. The IV bags looked normal enough to Monica, but it was the syringe that had piqued her interest the previous day and now. The syringe was full of a red substance that looked almost like plastic. The nurse, who had introduced herself as Georgia, took hold of Monica's Hickman line and slowly began injecting the red stuff into her body. 

As the chemical entered her veins, Monica began to actually taste the chemical in her mouth. She wrinkled her nose in distaste. The nurse looked at the young angel and smiled, "Bad taste?" Monica nodded, and smiled gratefully when the nurse handed her a glass of water. "Don't worry," Georgia said, "It won't last." After the injection was finished, the nurse stood up and hooked one of the IV bags up to Monica's line. She explained that the drip would take about a half hour to complete, and that she would be back to check on Monica.

After the nurse left, Monica picked up her journal, which she had brought with her to the treatment room. She untied the ribbon and turned the book to a clean page…

_Last night I finally understood why some humans who are horribly sick wish for death. I have never experienced anything even close to what happened to me last night, after my first chemotherapy treatment. And yet, here I am today, receiving another round. I can only hope that last night was not a preview of events to come, and that things will get better for me._

_I once had an assignment with an oncologist, and he explained to me how cancer works. That the body's own cells grow out of control, invading and killing as the cells continue to multiply. It's odd, the irony of my own human body betraying me… and the irony that the chemicals that made me so deathly ill are my only hope for survival._

The nurse came back while Monica was writing and changed the IV bags. "Your friends stopped by," she told her. "They said they'd be back to see you later." 

Monica smiled and nodded, taking another sip of her water. True to the nurse's words, the chemical taste was starting to fade. Setting the cup back down, the angel turned back to her journal…

_Tess and Andrew are as concerned as ever. I can only be grateful that they didn't see me last night. Especially Andrew. He's always hurting whenever I am, and I don't want him to blame himself because he can't protect me from this. This is a battle that Kayla and I have to fight, one that nobody else can fight for us. I feel like Kayla's losing her will to fight, though, and that frightens me. She even told me last night that she intends to give up when she doesn't have the energy anymore. I just hope with my whole heart that I can help give her the energy she needs to keep fighting. _

As Monica finished writing, the nurse came in to remove the empty chemotherapy bag and the rest of the tubing from the angel's line. Monica moved back to the wheelchair and was taken back to her room, where she realized how tired she was. The young angel didn't even wait to be told before crawling onto the bed and pulling the covers up to her neck. It wasn't long before she fell asleep.

***

Several hours later, Tess returned to the hospital and made her way up to Monica's floor. Andrew had been called away on an emergency assignment, and the older angel was determined to find out how her young charge was really doing. As the older supervisor entered Monica's room, she saw that the Irish angel was not in her bed. 

"Where's Monica?" Tess asked Kayla, who was watching television from her bed.

Kayla motioned to closed bathroom door, concern etched on her face. "The anti-nausea meds didn't work for her."

Tess's face filled with worry, and she turned to the bathroom door, knocking lightly. "Monica, are you okay?"

She heard muffled sounds from inside the bathroom, but they were unmistakable… the sounds of someone who was violently ill. Tess slowly opened the door to reveal Monica, who was sitting against the wall, her knees pulled to her chest. The little angel looked terrible, her red-rimmed eyes contrasting with her deathly pale skin. "Oh baby," Tess said quietly, instantly at Monica's side. 

"Tess," Monica said, her voice hoarse, "Is Andrew here? I don't want him to see me like this… please…"

"Shhhh… Angel Girl. He's on assignment. Let's just worry about getting you into bed, ok?"

Tess gently helped Monica to her feet, and got the weakened angel into her bed. "Tess," Monica whimpered, "Everything hurts so bad… I don't know if I can take much more of this." 

"You're doing just fine, baby," Tess assured her.

"You'd better make her drink some water," Kayla's own weakened voice broke into Tess's focus. "She'll get dehydrated otherwise."

Tess nodded, and took Kayla's advice. Once Monica had drifted into an exhausted sleep, Tess turned to the young woman. "How are you doing, baby?"

"I've been better, but I'm not as bad off as her," Kayla said, gesturing to Monica's still figure. "I've never seen chemo be so hard on someone before… but I have to admit, she did better than she did last night." Tess was shocked by that admission. Monica hadn't even alluded to being so sick. The youngest angel had emphatically upheld that she was fine, and even though Tess didn't completely believe her, the older supervisor had never imagined this. 

"Well, you've obviously been a great help to her, because we had no idea she was that sick," Tess told Kayla. "She told us that the chemo was hard on her, but that appears to be the understatement of the century."

A small grin flickered across Kayla's face; "I think I'd have to agree with you there. Her expression then turned serious, "You know, Monica's really lucky to have friends like you. I don't think I've ever had something like that in my life."

Tess took the young woman's hand and smiled, "Well, you do now, baby." Seeing the smile that brightened Kayla's face, the older angel squeezed her hand and said, "It's getting late. You should get some rest too." 

Kayla nodded. "Are you gonna stay around for a while? Just to make sure Monica's alright?" When the angel nodded, she rolled over and pulled the blanket up to her chin. As Tess sat between the two beds, she prayed fiercely for both young women, but at the same time, she tried to figure out why Monica wasn't telling them everything.


	11. Ten

By the morning of the 5th day of chemotherapy, Monica wasn't sure she had the strength to go through it, even if it was the last day in this series of treatments. Nothing anyone told her seemed to help her from getting so violently ill a few hours after the chemo was administered and her human body now felt as if it had been hit by a Mack truck. Everything ached and she was just exhausted and what was even harder was trying to put on a front when Andrew would visit her between assignments.

She would force herself to chatter aimlessly, always insisting that she was doing fine and wanting to hear about his assignments. The visits took all of her energy just to keep up her façade and she wasn't even positive she was doing all that good of an acting job as the same look of concern was always visible in his green eyes when he would tell her good-bye and promise to be back as soon as he could. 

It had been as such this morning, after a night of nausea and vomiting, that he had shown up and she had done her best to be cheerful and optimistic, but after he had kissed the top of her head gently as he had bid her good-bye, she had sank back against her pillows as soon as he left the room, as she was completely exhausted.

"You know," Kayla remarked, eyeing her friend thoughtfully, "You have two really wonderful friends in Tess and Andrew, and it just blows my mind that you try to hide things from them. Tess found you out a few nights ago, but you have yet to tell Andrew how things are really going for you and it seems to me that you are expending a lot of energy in not being honest with him."

Monica's eyes widened for a moment, surprised at what her assignment knew about her, "You don't understand, Kayla," She began tiredly, gazing over to where Kayla sat on her bed, thumbing through a magazine, "Andrew…it just wouldn't do any good for him to know. He worries about me a lot and there is nothing he can do this time."

"He can be there for you," She replied pointedly, "My parents have been here to see me once, Monica, as they live so far away and I've been here so long that my colleagues rarely visit me anymore. This is a terrible disease for anyone to go through and people who have it, need all the help they can get in the way of emotional support. I'm thankful to your friend, Tess, as we have had a few good talks once you fall asleep at night and it makes me realize just how lucky you are to have the two of them in your life. If you think your little charade is keeping Andrew or Tess from worrying, then you are just lying to yourself."

"I'm tired," The angel stated wearily, deciding against commenting on Kayla's words to her, "I'm going to grab a nap before they come and take me away for my chemo."

As her friend drifted off to sleep, Kayla shook her head sadly, wondering what it would take for Monica to tell Andrew the truth.

***

As was her practice when her chemotherapy was being administered, Monica opened the journal that Andrew had given to her and dated the top of a new page. Before, she never would have been able to imagine herself journaling, but now, with being placed in this situation, the angel found it strangely comforting to be able to jot down her thoughts at random.

_Today is the last chemo session in this series of them and for that I am forever grateful. It's amazing to me that though I didn't feel completely like myself when I entered the hospital last week, I didn't feel all that bad. Tired mostly. But now, with this medication that is supposed to be helping me, I've never felt so sick in my entire existence. Tess had mentioned when this first began that cancer treatments often make the patients feel sicker then they did when they were first told that they have cancer, and this has definitely been true for me. The nausea, the getting sick half the night, and just being so tired, makes me wonder if this is how some humans feel before they die. In my darkest moments, I sometimes wonder if this is what being close to death feels like. I just sometimes wish that I could just wake up from this and realize that it has never happened, but I know that is not the Father's plan for me at this time._

_Kayla has been feeling a bit better as she finished up her treatments two days ago and I haven't heard her say anything recently about giving up. I don't know if my talking to her about fighting is what is helping her or if it is due to her feeling better now that her chemo is finished for the moment, but for whatever reason, I'm thankful that she has not said anything more about not wanting to go on as she has so much to live for._

_She thinks that I should be honest with Andrew about how I've been feeling, but I just can't burden him with that. Tess, more or less knows, as she has made it a point to be around the last few nights when I'm at my worst after treatments. I hate seeing the deep worry in her eyes for me, and to see that in Andrew's as well, if he knew the truth of it, would be more than I think I could handle. He would feel as if there should be something he could do to help me, and this time, there just isn't. _

Monica smiled tiredly as her nurse returned to dispel of the empty chemotherapy bag and the rest of her tubing, before wheeling her back to her room. As the angel sat down on the edge of her bed and prepared to lie down, something on her pillow caught her attention.

Several strands of her auburn locks were clumped together on her pillow and Monica felt her face pale even more as she just stared at them for a moment as tears threatened her brown eyes. Picking them up, she knew in her heart that it wouldn't be much longer before there would be more than just a few strands on her pillow and she shakily threw them into the trashcan next to her bed, now only wanting to lose herself in an exhausted sleep before the tears came.

***

In the wee hours of the morning, Monica moaned softly in her sleep as she tried to shift positions in her bed, but her body ached so badly, that she could scarcely move and her brow furrowed in pain as she tried. 

Standing next to her bed was Andrew, his face a mask of deep concern. This was the first nightly visit he had paid to his friend, but he had just come off of an assignment and the nagging feeling he had been having about Monica had led him to come and check on her and he had been more than shocked by her appearance, even in sleep.

He now knew that she was anything but "all right" as he gazed down at her, seeing her sweat dampened hair and how her eyes were red rimmed. Brushing the hair back from her eyes gently, he noted how deathly pale she looked. He remained in angelic form, unseen, even to her as he sank down in the chair beside her bed, his compassionate eyes never leaving her face as he wondered why it was that she had not been honest with him. They had always been so close and there wasn't anything that the little Irish angel would not tell him, especially if she was troubled.

Deep in thought, his head shot up as Monica let out a tearful moan as she struggled to get out of bed, almost too weak to be able to as she managed to get to her feet and propel herself to the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

The Angel of Death followed and stood outside the door, his heart racing as he heard the sounds coming from the other side and realized just how ill his dear friend was. He longed to go to her, but there was something he needed to know first and could not find out till the morning, even though he was sure in his heart that he already knew the answer.

His heart broke as he heard the little Irish angel finally give way to tears on the other side of the door, pleading to the Father in a hoarse whisper to just make her feel a little bit better if it could possibly be in His plan.

The following morning, Andrew and Tess walked into their friend's hospital room, the younger of the two paying far more attention this time to the things his friend was not telling him. He had been hoping that perhaps last night had been the first night that she had been so sick, but he had a sick feeling that it was not.

"Good morning, baby," Tess smiled, watching as Monica sat up in bed and smiled.

Though the smile was forced, Monica held it in place as her two friends greeted her, "Good morning to you the two of you."

"How are you feeling, sweetie?" Andrew asked her gently after his friend had hugged Tess and he sat down on the side of her bed.

"Andrew, you ask me that every morning and the answer is still the same," She laughed, but he knew it was forced this time, "I'm all right, my friend, really."

Monica watched with confusion as her friend lowered his eyes briefly as if trying to hide something from her, before he finally looked back up and smiled at her, though his smile looked a little sad to her.

"I'm glad, honey," He replied softly, now knowing the truth that she had not been honest with him from the very start and he was sorely troubled to know why.


	12. Eleven

Andrew continued his nightly visits for the next several nights, and while he never again saw Monica as sick as she had been the night of her last chemo treatment, he did see her often crying herself to sleep, begging for God to help her.  He also knew that Monica was going to Tess with her fears, which made the young angel of death even more confused as to why his best friend wasn't voicing her concerns to him.  He had never witnessed one of these soul-bearings between his friends, but he had often come into Monica's room in the mornings to see Tess sitting on the young angel's bed, holding her while she slept, and singing softly to her.  

Andrew kept trying to get Monica to confide in him, as she had always done before, but the younger angel steadfastly refused to tell him anything, withdrawing further and further from him every day.  Not only did Monica's strange behavior confuse him, but God forgive him, it was starting to make him a little bit angry.  Not angry at Monica exactly, but angry at the whole situation and the fact that he felt so helpless.

***

_I found more hair on my pillow today.  A clump came  out in my hand while I was in the shower, too.  I've never thought of myself as vain before, but I can't help wondering how many days are left before I go bald.  Kayla has lost some hair, too.  She's going to have her friend cut it short, so it'll look fuller longer.  Maybe I'll get mine cut, too…_

_I think Kayla is going to be sent home soon.  The oncologist was in here this morning, and he said that Kayla's white blood count is decreasing, and she's getting closer to remission.  There's one thing I don't understand though.  Once Kayla's better, what is the point in my still being here?  _

_I think Andrew is starting to think I'm hiding things from him.  He's probably hurt that I haven't gone to him with this, but I just can't.  I rely on him so much, and I know that when I hurt, so does he.  If I can deal with this on my own, without him knowing what I'm going through, maybe I can spare him a little hurt.    _

Monica closed her journal and tied it shut with the ribbon, before placing it back on her bedside table.  She slid off the bed, and walked over to the mirror on the wall.  When had her face changed so much?  It was thinner, and colorless, with dark circles underneath hollow eyes.  Monica shuddered involuntarily.  She hardly recognized herself.  She pulled her long hair back, and tried to imagine what she would look like if she cut it short.  A few tears slipped down her face as she let her hair down and a few more strands came out in her hand.  She lowered her head and tried to stifle the sobs.

"Baby?"  Tess's voice sounded behind the young angel, and her head jerked up.  "Baby, what's wrong?"  Tess asked, quickly crossing the room to stand by her friend.

Monica held her hand out to Tess, the auburn strands still clutched in her fingers.  "It's falling out, Tess," She said, her voice breaking.  She gestured to the mirror with her other hand.  "I don't even recognize myself anymore, Tess."  A sob escaped Monica's frail body, and she covered her mouth with her hand.

Tess held her arms out to her young friend, and Monica began to cry harder as she allowed herself to be enveloped in Tess's warm embrace – a place that always meant safety, a place where nothing could hurt her.  Tess gently rubbed her young charge's back, and said softly, "Angel girl, you know that your looks aren't who you are.  You're still beautiful, baby, because your beauty never came from the outside."  Tess held Monica out at arms length, "You are beautiful because of your spirit, and because you belong to God.  Now your human looks may have changed, but your spirit is still in there."

"But I don't even feel like myself anymore Tess.  I'm so afraid, and I don't understand what's happening to me."  

"I know you're confused, Monica, but you know who you need to talk to about that," Tess said gently.

"I know.  But I just don't think I can yet, Tess," Monica sighed.

Tess nodded, "Well, you know where to find Him when you're ready."  

"I know."  Monica looked down at her feet and yawned.  "I'm so tired."

"C'mon baby," Tess said, leading her to the bed.  "I want you to rest, and ole Tess will come up with something about that hair of yours."  

Monica nodded and weakly crawled up into the bed.  "Thank you, Tess," she said softly as Tess pulled the blanket up to her shoulders, "For everything."  

"Of course baby," Tess said, "That's what friends are for."

"But you're more than a friend to me," Monica said, her eyelids drooping, "You're the closest thing to a mother an angel can have. You've always been such a blessing in my existence."

"And you in mine angel baby.  Now go to sleep… Tess will be right here,"  The older angel sat on the edge of Monica's bed, and lightly brushed her hair off her face.

Monica's eyes slipped closed and her breathing deepened slightly.  Tess thought that she had fallen asleep, but then she whispered "I love you, Tess."  She looked up at her friend through heavy eyes.

"I love you too, baby," Tess said.  Monica grasped Tess's hand fiercely, and closed her eyes again.  Tess held onto Monica's hand long after it had gone limp and heavy in hers.  She hoped that her young friend's spirit would be strong enough to endure this assignment.  Tess knew it would be, but she wasn't sure if Monica knew that.

***

  Monica slept until early evening, and when she woke up, Tess was still sitting next to her, in a chair next to the bed.  "Have you been here the whole time?"  She asked.

"Not the whole time," Tess said, "I had to run a little errand."  She held up a large tote bag.  "I told you I'd do something about your hair, and I meant it. 

Monica took the bag and reached into it.  She pulled out several wigs, and spread them out on the bed.  A smile graced her thin face as she looked at the five new hairdos in front of her, all different textures and shades.  "Tess, this is great."

"I hoped you'd like them, baby," Tess said.  "And, I was talking to your nurse, and she said that if your hair was short, it would look fuller for a longer time.  How do you feel about a haircut, baby?"

Monica was silent for a moment, and then she nodded.  "Let's do it."

Fifteen minutes later, Monica looked at her reflection in the mirror.  Her auburn hair now fell just to her shoulders, and Tess was busy sweeping up the clippings.  "I like it.  What do you think?" She asked, turning to her friend.  

"Very cute, Miss Wings," Tess replied.  "Now, let's try one of these."  She handed one of the wigs to her young friend.

Monica took the wig and pulled it over her newly short hair.  It was brown and curly, and came down about to her mid-back.  She turned her head, and flipped the curls over her shoulder.  "I always wanted curly hair," she said.

"Well, if it's curls you want, try this one," Tess said, handing Monica a very curly blonde wig.  

Monica put it on and looked in the mirror.  "Nah, too Shirley Temple," She said with a giggle.  

Tess nodded, "Point taken, Angel Girl."

Monica looked into the tote bag Tess had brought.  "Oh, I like this one," she said.  When Tess looked up at her charge, she was greeted by a sight indeed.  Monica now had long, straight, pink hair. 

"Oh, no. No no no.  I will tolerate a lot of things, even Rafel's little peach fuzz. But, I will not have an angel with pink hair."  Tess scolded good-naturedly.  

"Aw come-on, Tess," Monica said between giggles, "I think it's a good look for me."  

"Well, then I think your doctors need to do a brain scan, because obviously you've lost your mind."  Monica dissolved into giggles, and Tess suddenly realized it was the first time she'd heard her young friend really laugh since this whole ordeal started.

Andrew was walking down the corridor toward Monica's hospital room when he heard the sound of laughter.  When he reached the room, he saw a pink-haired Monica posing for Tess, who was trying her best not to laugh.  "What have I missed here?" he asked.

"Well, we thought a little change was in order for our Angel Girl," Tess said.  "Since the chemotherapy is probably going to make Monica's hair fall out, I figured we should do a little bit of preparation."  Monica was glad that Tess didn't tell Andrew that her hair had already started falling out.

"I think that's a good idea," Andrew said, moving to hug his friend.  "But, I'm not too sure about that color, Monica.  It doesn't exactly exude the whole 'I'm an angel' thing."  He chuckled as Monica pretended to look upset.  

She pulled the wig off and showed Andrew her newly short hair.  "I like it, sweetheart," he said.  "It looks good on you."  Monica smiled at him, and showed him the other wigs that Tess_ had_ approved of.

***

Later that evening, as Monica lay in her bed, she thought about the day's events.  She felt a lot better than she had that morning, and for the first time, she thought that she might actually be getting better.  She decided to write a short entry in her journal, and she continued on the same page as her previous one that morning…

_Tess came by today and she really helped me feel better.  I laughed for the first time today in a long time, and I hadn't even realized how long it's been.  Andrew even acted more comfortable around me and less like he was walking on eggshells.  I hope this lasts, but I've come to realize during all this that nothing is for sure, and nothing is sure to last._

_Kayla has been out a lot today.  She's been getting a lot of tests done, so the doctors can keep an eye on her status since she's so close to remission.  She really liked my hair, and I think she's going to use some of the wigs that Tess brought for me.  We both like the pink one.  I think I'll keep it around for shock value…  _

The Irish angel closed her journal and put it away before lying down.  As she drifted off to sleep, she silently thanked the Father for her friends, and especially for Tess.


	13. Twelve

The next two days past relatively uneventfully, other than the daily blood tests, which never really bothered the Irish angel as it came right from the Hickman line and was more just a matter of having to sit still long enough for the blood to be taken. But not even that was much a nuisance as despite the fact that Monica's spirits remained lifted, she still felt tired quite often and normally just a walk up and down the hospital halls out of boredom would tire her out. 

No one had said anything about her going into remission, but she continued to hope this would happen, especially since Kayla seemed to be getting better each day. Her assignment had been more upbeat than usual of late and Monica knew Kayla was hopeful to soon get a clean enough bill of health to be sent home. While Monica was always optimistic in talking to her friend about being released, when alone with her thoughts, she tried really hard not to think about it. But the issue was soon to be forced. 

The following morning, the angel awoke and blinked her dark eyes sleepily, contemplating rolling over and shutting out the world for a bit longer, but as she looked over at Kayla's bed, the first thing she saw was her assignment's overnight bag. 

"Kayla?" She asked, sitting up in bed and rubbing the sleep from her eyes, which were suddenly full of questions. 

Kayla turned around from grabbing a few things out of her closet, a wide grin on her face, "They're setting me free, Monica. All I'm waiting for is the nurse to bring the discharge papers and I am out of here. Finally, this cancer has gone into remission!" 

Though a knot appeared out of nowhere in the pit of Monica's stomach, she managed a smile for her friend, "That's wonderful news, Kayla! I think I'd be incredibly excited as well if I were you." 

Nodding her head happily, the human didn't miss the slight flicker of pain in her friend's tired eyes. Her smile fading somewhat, Kayla walked over to Monica's bed and sat down on the edge of it, "You know that I will come and visit you and just wait, Monica, it will happen for you too." 

"I know," Monica smiled, despite the fact that she didn't feel that optimistic in her heart, "I'm just so happy for you. You've waited a long time for this moment." 

"Too long," She smiled, her eyes more alive than the angel had ever seen them. Her smile widened as Vicky came into the room holding some paperwork in her hands,  
"For once, Vicky, I am so glad to see you!" 

The nurse chuckled as she handed the papers to Kayla, "I'm sure you are as I am holding your ticket out of this place," She teased as she watched Kayla skim the papers and then sign them with the pen provided. 

"Signed, sealed and delivered," Kayla pronounced as she handed the paperwork back to the nurse. 

"Do you need me to call you a cab or is someone picking you up?" Vicky smiled, enjoying these kinds of moments about her job the most; those moments when a patient was well enough to leave. 

"No on both accounts. I think I'm going to walk and enjoy this beautiful day," She replied, "Thanks for everything, Vicky." 

"You are quite welcome," The nurse replied with a smile, "But for now, duty calls. Monica, breakfast should be around shortly, honey." 

"Thank you," The angel replied softly, though at the moment, food was the furthest thing from her mind. Turning back to Kayla, she smiled, "Well, I guess this is it then. Your life awaits." 

Reaching over, Kayla hugged the young angel tightly, "We'll soon be celebrating your freedom as well. You've been a great roommate, Monica. Please make sure to tell Andrew and Tess I said good-bye." 

Monica nodded her head as she watched Kayla get up and grab her suitcase as the knot in her stomach twisted. 

"I'll be by to see you this weekend," Kayla told her, before she headed for the door, "And I'm sure we'll have some good news by then." 

Lifting her hand in a half-hearted wave, the angel watched her roommate and assignment disappear through the door to her room, leaving the hospital room as quiet as it had ever been since Monica had arrived. 

Feeling a little shaky, Monica reached to her bedside table and picked up the leather bound journal and her pen. Dating the top of the page, she began. 

_Kayla has finally gone into remission and was just discharged from the hospital and that just leaves me with one question. _

_Why am I still here?_

She starred at the two sentences written on the page until they blurred and the splash of a tear mixed with the ink. She then slammed the book shut and placed it back where it had been. Lying down, she turned to the only defense she knew at the moment. 

Sleep. 

****

"Baby, try and calm down a little," Tess said soothingly, later that day, as she sat in the chair beside of her young charge's bed. 

"I can't, Tess," Monica argued, on the verge of tears, though she struggled to hold them back, "The assignment seems to be over, so why am I still here? No one has said anything about my getting any better, but yet Kayla has been sent home, so what is the point?" 

"You know with the Father there is always a point, Angel Girl," The older angel replied, reaching for Monica's hand and holding it tightly in her own, "Even when we don't know what the point is, He does. There must still be work here for you to do, baby." 

"So, do I have to get sicker to accomplish that?" She asked, a tear escaping her eye, "I don't want to do this anymore, Tess. It's too hard! I'm an angel and haven't felt like one in weeks. You try sitting here and doing nothing more than throwing up, feeling tired all the time and not even having the energy to walk to the end of the hall and tell me you wouldn't question things too!" As soon as the words were out, her hand flew to her mouth as with a blink, the rest of her tears spilled over onto her cheeks, "I'm sorry, Tess. I didn't mean that…I wouldn't wish this on anyone…I'm sorry." 

With a sad smile, the older angel moved to sit on the edge of her charge's bed and enveloped her in her arms, "It's okay, Angel Girl. No one said this was going to be easy anymore than they said how long it would last. It's hard for all of us, baby. Andrew and I love you and we're worried about you, but the Father has you, honey, just like He always has." 

"I know that, I do," She whispered, wiping at her eyes, "I…I just knew that Kayla understood how I felt and no one else really can, because they aren't going through it." 

"The Father always understands, Monica, He does know what you are going through and He needs for you to trust Him," Tess replied, running a hand through the younger angel's now shorter hair. 

"I'm trying to, but today just threw me for a loop. I never expected this," Monica sighed softly as she pulled away and leaned tiredly back against her pillows, "Please don't tell Andrew what a mess I am, Tess. I just need a little time to get myself together again." 

Tess eyed her young charge thoughtfully for a moment before speaking, "You know, baby, one of these days you need to come clean with that angel." 

"And I will, when all this is over," She replied sleepily, "Then he won't need to worry." 

"Though I think you know this deep in your heart, Miss Wings, I'm going to share it with you anyway," Tess began as she stood up and adjusted the blankets over her friend, "Andrew is your friend and he is going to worry about you, regardless of what you do or don't tell him. You may think that you are protecting him, but he knows you well enough to know that you may not be letting on about a lot of things." 

"He sees enough sickness in his job, Tess," Monica countered, though she was becoming increasingly sleepy, "He doesn't need to see this." Closing her eyes to ward off an argument, the young angel fell almost immediately into a troubled sleep. 

****

The Irish angel was just finishing up her breakfast the following morning, when she looked up and saw both Dr. Stanton and Dr. Vandersluis enter her room. She smiled in greeting as her heart skipped a beat, unable to hope that this was the news she had been hoping for-that she was in remission, was going home and her assignment was over. 

"Good morning, Monica," Dr. Stanton greeted her as the two doctors pulled up chairs near her bed, "How are you feeling this morning?" 

"Pretty good," Monica replied, pushing away her breakfast tray, "Still a little tired, but then again, what can I expect from lying around all day?" She smiled, trying to keep her excitement at bay. 

Dr. Vandersluis exchanged a look with Dr. Stanton, before he cleared his throat,  
"We wanted to talk to you, Monica, about your progress. 

Monica swallowed a cry of joy as she waited in heightened anticipation for the one word she had been waiting to hear since that day in the first doctor's office, "What about my progress?" 

Dr. Stanton took one look into Monica's eyes, and immediately knew what her patient was expecting. It was heartbreaking. "Monica, we've gotten your latest test results back, and your cell counts aren't normalizing. The cancer wasn't beaten by the first round of chemo." 

Monica's heart fell and shattered as it hit her stomach. She suddenly felt as if she was struggling to breathe and she wished more than anything that Tess were here, even Andrew, as she tried to put into perspective what the doctor was telling her, "What…What does that mean?" 

"Baby?" Tess' voice sounded as she entered the room and Monica nearly sobbed in relief at the sight of her. 

"Tess," She whimpered softly, her pain-filled eyes meeting with her friend. 

Nodding to the doctors, Tess was quick to reach her charge's side as she sat down beside of her on the bed and wrapped an arm around her trembling shoulders,  
"What is it, Angel Girl?" 

Looking to the doctors once more, who were patiently waiting in order to give their patient a moment to explain, Monica managed to say, "I think… I think they're telling me I'm not getting better…" 

"What's going on doctor?" Tess asked, her eyes showing her puzzlement. Even she had believed that Monica would start to get better since Kayla had left the hospital. 

Dr. Vandersluis glanced at Dr. Stanton and then began, "As Dr. Stanton told Monica, her cell counts are not normalizing, as we hoped would be the case after the first round of chemotherapy." 

"And that means what?" Tess asked, her arm still around Monica's shoulders. 

"It means that I'm going to have to have more chemo, doesn't it?" Monica's trembling voice broke into the conversation.  "I'm going to have to do it all over again." It wasn't a question; it was more of a statement of resignation and hopelessness. 

Dr. Stanton nodded sadly, "Yes, Monica, you are going to have to have another round of chemo. The first round didn't kill all of the cancer cells, so we have to try again." 

"And what if this round doesn't work?" Monica asked. 

"Worst case scenario is a bone marrow transplant," Dr. Vandersluis interjected.  
"but let's not get ahead of ourselves here. There is no reason not to believe that the second round of chemo will kick this thing." 

Monica nodded jerkily, and then asked, "Is it going to be as bad as last time?" 

Dr. Stanton looked apologetically at Monica and Tess. She knew that as hard as the previous round had been on Monica's system, her patient was not going to be happy with her answer. "Unfortunately, we have to use a stronger combination of drugs this time. The side effects will most likely be slightly worse." 

"Worse?" Monica uttered, the tears now unwilling to be held back, "It can get worse?" 

"I know this wasn't the news you were hoping for, love," Dr. Stanton said softly,  
"But hopefully this will be the last time if all goes well." 

But Monica was no longer listening. She had buried her face against Tess's shoulder as soft sobs shook through her, never before having felt so helpless.


	14. Thirteen

Tess held her angel girl as tightly as she dared, tears rolling down her mahogany face as her heart broke over the pain-filled sobs that tore through Monica's weakened body. Nothing Tess could say alleviated Monica's devastation, and Dr. Stanton had even suggested a sedative to calm the young angel. Tess refused at first, saying that Monica just needed some time, but after nearly 30 minutes of solid crying, Tess thought it might not be such a bad idea. She pulled away slightly so she could look into her friend's reddened brown eyes. "Monica, you need to calm down," Tess told her gently, but sternly. "Your human body cannot take this much longer." 

Monica's only replies were gasps for air strangled by sobs. She tried to get enough air into her lungs to formulate a reply, but the best she could do was a hoarse whisper. "I can't do this again, Tess… I just can't…."

Tess took her charge back into her arms, and rocked her gently. "Yes you can, baby, because you are a strong angel," when Monica shook her head against Tess's chest, she continued, "You're a lot stronger than you think you are."

Dr. Stanton came into the room carrying a small syringe. She motioned for Tess to join her at the far side of the room, and as much as it pained the older angel to leave Monica's side, she disengaged herself from her friend's grasp and crossed the room to where the doctor stood. "This has gone on far too long," Dr. Stanton began, "I can't allow her to go on like this in her weakened state. The last thing we need is for her to work herself up into an infection."

Tess nodded, "I agree. I've never seen her like this, but I guess it's to be expected with what she's just been through. One question though… How much worse is this next round going to be?" 

Dr. Stanton shrugged. "Honestly, it's hard to say. Monica reacted worse to the first round than most patients, so I can't really tell you how bad this round will be. It may be no worse, and it may be a lot worse."

Tess looked toward Monica, who was still crying, though not as violently as she had been before. The doctor walked over to the bed and injected the small amount of clear fluid into the angel's IV. "Monica, I'm giving you a sedative to help you calm down. I don't want you to make yourself sick, okay?" For her part, Monica didn't even seem to hear the doctor, as she clung to Tess as soon as the older angel had sat down on the bed again. Dr. Stanton looked to Tess and said, "She'll probably sleep for the next few hours because of the sedative, and I would imagine that the exertion will keep her out for most the day.

"Thank you doctor," Tess replied absently, as her attentions were focused completely on her charge. As soon as the doctor had left the room, Tess noticed that Monica was already starting to calm. She wasn't as tense as before, and her cries had somewhat diminished. Her breathing hitched though, as it does when someone cries so hard for so long. Tess rocked her friend gently, and rubbed her back, hoping to do anything to help. Knowing that Monica always loved to hear her sing when the young angel was upset or frightened, Tess began to sing softly in her rich voice, the words coming from the Father Himself… __

Nothing formed against you will succeed  
As long as your heart's turned toward me  
You'll get through this  
No matter what it takes  
I believe in you for Heaven's sake  
You'll get through this  
Oh yes you will 

As she finished the refrain, Tess looked down at Monica and was grateful to see that the sedative had taken effect and her young friend had fallen asleep. Laying her gently against the pillows, Tess pulled the blankets around Monica's small form, and then decided to go to the cafeteria for a cup of tea. It was no sooner had she walked out the door, that she saw Andrew coming down the hall. 

"How's she doing?" He asked as he approached his older friend. As soon as Andrew got close enough to see the look in Tess's eyes, though, his question changed to, "What's wrong?"

Tess hesitated for a moment, wondering the best way to field Andrew's question. She finally decided that the truth was the best avenue, and so she got right to the point. "The doctors were just in with her, and they told her that the first round of chemo didn't do the job, so she needs to go through a second round."

Andrew's eyes widened, and he paled slightly. "Why? If Kayla's in remission, why is Monica getting worse?"

"I don't know, Angel Boy. The only thing I do know is that He has a plan, and apparently part of that plan involves Monica staying here," Tess told him.

Andrew nodded, his expression still incredulous. "How'd she take it?" He gestured to the closed door leading to Monica's room.

"Not well at all. The doctor finally had to sedate her in order to calm her down. Dr. Stanton said she'd probably sleep for the rest of today."

Tess led the way to the cafeteria, and as Andrew followed, he knew his worst fears had been realized. He knew Monica wasn't telling him everything, and she especially hadn't told him how sick she really was. He didn't expect anything like Tess's announcement, and for the second time on the assignment, he felt anger creep into his heart. This time, there was another emotion to deal with, though… hurt.

***

_Today is the start of my second round of chemotherapy. In addition to what I had before, there's more of that red, plastic- looking stuff that gives me the bad taste in my mouth. There are also pills, big horse pills that are a near impossibility to take. I haven't felt any side effects yet, but it's only been an hour since the treatment. Tess is going to stay here with me tonight, and I'm so grateful to her for that. I don't want to do this by myself. _

_ Although I know that ultimately, this is all part of God's plan, I keep wondering why I keep getting worse. I don't know how I'm going to be any good to Kayla or anyone else if I don't get any better. I know logically that angels can't die… but God forgive me, my heart is actually afraid of that very thing. I guess I know how humans in these kinds of situations feel now… It's really terrifying…_

Monica closed her journal as Tess returned with a cup of herbal tea clutched in her hand. She sat down next to Monica's bed and pushed the tray that held the young angel's dinner toward her. "What's the point, Tess? I'm just going to lose it later," Monica said softly. Tess saw her friend's point, and decided not to push the issue. The two angels sat in silence, both of them lost in their own thoughts.

Several hours later, Tess found herself holding Monica's hair back from her face as the young angel threw up for what seemed like the hundredth time. The sounds coming from her small frame were painful to hear, and even more heartbreaking was the pain in her dark eyes as she rested between bouts of nausea. This time, Monica was too weak to make it to the bathroom, so she had to use a kidney-shaped dish every time she became ill. Tess hated to see her angel girl like this, and Dr. Stanton was right… this was far worse than the previous time Tess had seen Monica after chemo. Tess was grateful that the Father had been giving Andrew assignments at times where Monica was at her worst as the older angel didn't think she had the energy to deal with the conflict that was sure to happen upon Andrew's finding out the real situation.

Monica sank back against her pillows as the nausea subsided yet again, and whispered hoarsely, "Tess, I don't think I can do this anymore…. Everything hurts so badly... It hurts to just 'be'…"

Tess had heard these very words from many humans facing the situation Monica was currently, and those words always worried her. It meant that the spirit was dying, that it was giving up. "Baby, I know this is hard, but the Father has a plan. Just remember that, and hang in there. I know you can get through this."

"I wish I could agree with you, Tess, but I'm just not sure." Monica's voice held that tone of resignation again, and it broke Tess's heart to hear her friend's lyrical voice so heavy with hopelessness and sorrow.

Tess looked heavenward and whispered a desperate prayer as Monica began to curl herself into a ball from stomach cramps. "Father, she's been through so much tonight… please give her some rest."

Tess felt the Father's gentle presence drift down to her heart, and she knew her prayer would be answered. Monica slowly began to uncurl herself, and her body softened as her muscles released the tension they had held for so many hours. "Relax baby, and try to sleep," She said, "I think you're going to be alright now." As Monica drifted off to sleep, Tess, the angel who always unwaveringly insisted that God had a plan, found herself wondering for the first time why this was happening.

***

Tess left the hospital later that evening, after feeling something tugging at her to return to their apartment. She checked on Monica one last time, making sure the young angel was sleeping somewhat peacefully, and then drove across town to the apartment building. As she ascended the steps to the entryways, she passed the bank of mailboxes that lined one wall. Tess had never before had a reason to look at them since, being angels, they didn't receive mail, but tonight one particular box caught her eye. It was labeled K. Johnston, and the number of the apartment embossed on the brassy surface was 506, which was right across the hall from the angels' own apartment. Tess glanced skyward and smiled, as if sharing a private joke, and then started for the elevator.

When she reached the door to apartment 506, Tess rang the bell and waited for Kayla to answer. "Tess! How are you?" Kayla said excitedly as she opened the door and reached to embrace the angel. 

"Hello, baby," Tess said, hugging her back. "It looks like we're neighbors." She pointed to the door across the hall."

Kayla motioned for Tess to come in, and the two took seats in Kayla's living room. "How does it feel to be home?" Tess asked her.

Kayla's smile lit up her face as she replied, "Wonderful! I can't believe how much I had missed this place. But, it's still so unreal to have my life back… almost like living in a dream."

"That's why you should make the most of each and every day. They're all a gift from God," Tess said. "You know that better than most people now. "

"I guess I do. How's Monica doing?" Kayla asked, changing the subject.

Tess's eyes flickered with sadness, "Not so well, baby. The first round of chemo didn't do the trick, so she had to start a second round today. I just left the hospital about an hour ago, after she finally fell asleep."

Kayla paled slightly, concern plain on her pretty face. "Oh, no…. do they think this round will work?"

Tess shrugged, "They don't know."

Kayla absently traced the patterns on the upholstery with her finger, "I was going to go see her in the next day or two, but do you think it would hurt her to see me recovering?"

"I think she'd love to see you, baby," Tess said, "Monica's a little down right now, and I think she could use some encouragement from someone who knows what she's going through."

Kayla nodded. "I'll go see her tomorrow then. I'm still on mandatory leave from the school until I get better, so I won't be going back until fall." She laughed, "The principal is a personal friend, and she wouldn't hear of my coming back before I'm stronger."

Tess chuckled, "I don't imagine that chasing after a bunch of second graders all day is part of your doctor's plan."

Kayla laughed, and then sobered, "You know, Tess, I'm really glad that I met you and Monica. You guys helped me fight when I didn't think I could, and now I'm so glad that I did. You have been like angels to me, ya know?"

Tess smiled widely, and replied knowingly, "Well baby, sometimes things like that just happen."


	15. Fourteen

The following morning, not much had changed with Monica's spirits as Tess watched her pick listlessly at her breakfast and the older angel tried diligently to not feel terribly frightened over the physical changes she was seeing in her angel girl. Just after one night, Monica's already thin face looked thinner and her skin seemed to have a touch of gray pallor to it. The young angel looked exhausted, and what bothered Tess the most was the dulled look in Monica's usually bright, animated brown eyes. 

"You've been communing with that piece of toast for almost five minutes, baby," Tess commented gently, "Don't you think it's time you ate it?" 

Monica looked up briefly before laying the toast back down on her plate, "I'm not very hungry, I guess." 

"You really should eat a little more, Angel Girl," Tess advised with a soft sigh, "It may help you later tonight…" 

"It won't. It never does. Nothing helps." Came the soft answer as she pushed away her tray and leaned back against her pillow, idly staring out the window. 

"If I didn't know better, I'd say that something else is on your mind this morning then just the chemo later," Her friend observed, but she received no answer, "You're going to have a visitor later," She added, deciding to change her tactic, but Monica only nodded her head. 

By the time the nurse came to take Monica to her chemotherapy, Tess knew her own heart was breaking as for the first time, her young charge cried before the procedure. Silent tears ran down Monica's face as she resignedly picked up her journal before sitting down in the wheelchair. 

Seeing the devastated look on Tess' face, Vicky managed a smile, "I'll take good care of her, Tess." 

"I know you will, baby," Tess replied, moving to stroke Monica's cheek gently, "I'll be back later, sweetheart." 

"Okay," Monica whispered, not looking up at her friend, as Vicky slowly wheeled her out of the room. 

Tess sighed as she lowered her head and whispered, "Father, You do know what You're doing on this one, right?" 

***

_All of a sudden this has all gotten so much harder. The side effects this time are worse and for the first time ever last night, I found myself not wanting to fight this anymore. I'm tired and I don't understand this assignment. I found myself wondering this morning if when Kayla went into remission, if maybe God had forgotten that I'm still here. I tell myself that is impossible, but up to a few weeks ago, I thought an angel dying of cancer was impossible too. _

_I miss Andrew. I think he knows that I'm hiding things from him and that is why he hasn't been by the last few days. Tess told me he was here the day they told me I had to go back on chemo, but by then I was asleep. I just don't know the right things to say or do anymore and suddenly nothing makes me feel safe from this. No matter what Tess and I talk about, the fact that I have cancer is always there and in those moments when I feel so sick, I know it's winning. _

_I just wish I could go Home for a few days, even back to the apartment with Tess and Andrew, just to feel a little bit normal. I don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to think about cancer, and chemo and Hickman lines and all those other things. I want to feel like me, if only for a little while. I want to sit and talk to my friends and not worry about having to hide things from them. I want to know that my Father has not forgotten about me. _

***

In what Monica referred to as "the calm before the storm" when she just felt tired after chemo, but the more violent side effects had yet to begin, she looked up from where her head rested against her pillow to see Kayla walking into her room with a vase of wildflowers, "Hey you," She said softly as she weakly managed to sit up in bed, "I thought you weren't coming until the weekend?" 

Kayla smiled as she set the flowers on the windowsill and then took the chair beside of her friend's bed, "I ran into Tess last night and thought maybe you could use a little cheering up." 

Monica nodded her head, a bit sadly, before she replied, "The flowers are lovely. Thank you," Her voice trailed off for a moment, then continued, "I guess she told you that the chemo didn't work." 

Kayla nodded her head, "Monica, I'm really sorry, but hopefully this time, it will." 

"It's just so hard, Kayla," Monica sighed miserably, "The side effects are so much worse this time…I thought I was dying last night and for a moment almost wished I had, because I know in a few hours I have to go through it all over again and I hate it." 

"You know, this isn't an attitude I'm accustomed to hearing from you, Monica. You are usually Miss Upbeat, Miss Cheerful and now you're talking about wanting to give up?" The human looked at her worriedly, wondering what had changed about her friend so drastically. 

"It's just harder than I thought it would be," She uttered softly. 

"Living is hard, Monica," Kayla insisted, reaching for the angel's hand, "Now, I know I am the last one who should be saying this, but it isn't time for you to throw in the towel on this. You've had a setback, that is all, but you need to keep fighting this thing." 

Monica nodded her head half-heartedly, wishing she could tell Kayla the truth of it-that she as an angel of the highest God and she was her assignment, who was all better now, and still the angel of God was stuck in a hospital with cancer, "I'm betting it is nice for you to be home," Monica remarked, changing the subject. 

"It is nice," Kayla replied, though she noticed the obvious turn in the conversation, "A little lonely as I'm not back at work yet. Though I don't miss this place, I do miss some of the nurses and you. At least there was always someone to talk to. But hey, I live right next door to Tess as I found out last night." 

"Then you live next door to me too," Monica replied, though her thoughts became more confused at this admission. Was Kayla now Tess' assignment while she rotted away in this hospital? 

The human grinned widely, "Then once you go into remission, and you will, we'll be neighbors! There's something to look forward to," Sensing a drowsiness coming over her friend, Kayla chattered for a few more minutes before she stood to go, "I'm going to let you get some rest, but I'll be back in a day or so to visit. You, my friend, keep your chin up. Only three more to go after today and hopefully soon after that, you'll get some good news." 

"I hope you're right," Monica smiled sleepily, "Thanks for coming over." 

"That's what friends are for," The human replied with a wink as she left the room. 

Rolling over, Monica sighed heavily, wishing she were walking out of here with Kayla and into the warm sunshine, but it was not to be. Warding off tears, the young angel decided on sleep before the storm once again began to rage. 

***

Tess came out of the bathroom late that night after cleaning out the bowl that her friend had been sick in over and over again. The older angel felt tears welling up in her eyes as she saw that Monica finally seemed to be asleep, her little body completely worn out and exhausted. Tonight had seemed even more terrifying than last night had been as though Tess would have never thought it possible, her angel girl had been even sicker and it was breaking the older angel's heart to watch her suffer as she was. 

"Tess?" 

Turning around, she found herself face to face with Andrew, a concerned look on his face as he saw her tears and the bowl in her hands, "Tess, are you okay?" 

The older angel nodded her head as she walked over to Monica's bed and quietly laid the bowl down on her nightstand, "Just a little tired, baby, that's all." 

Frowning, Andrew approached Monica's bed and softly touched her sweat dampened hair. She looked positively fatigued and as she shifted positions, she let out a soft moan of pain and discomfort, "I know she's keeping things from me, Tess." He stated after a moment. 

Tess looked up at him, trying to decide how to proceed and settled on an unassuming, "Oh?" 

"I was here one night during her last bout with the chemo. I saw how sick she was and heard her begging to the Father to make her feel 'just a little bit better'," He shook his head sadly, "Why won't she talk to me?" 

"I've told her she needs to do that, Andrew, but she just isn't ready yet, I suppose," Tess replied, laying an understanding hand on his arm. 

"She talks to you," He replied, not accusingly, though there was hurt in his voice,  
"When did I suddenly become the outcast?" 

"You know that is not what you are, Mr. Halo," Tess scolded gently, though she understood where his hurt feelings were coming from. 

"I'm on the outside looking in, Tess," He argued softly, "And that is a hard place to be when you are accustomed to knowing what she's thinking and feeling. I know she is not 'fine', which is always the answer I get. I can look at her right now and see how afraid she is, how sick she is and I just want to help her, Tess, but she won't let me." 

Tess turned him around gently to face her, "But she will, baby. She can't keep this inside forever and certainly cannot keep it from you forever. She's starting to close herself off to me a little too, but it will only last for so long before it has to come out and you know that as well as I do. Give her time, Angel Boy, she's going through a lot right now." 

"I know she is," He remarked sadly, "And that's what makes this so hard. I'd rather be spending my time here with her, and I know the Father would allow me if I asked, but to keep hearing the words 'I'm fine' over and over again, when I do know better is more than I can handle right now." He sighed softly, before managing a slight smile, "Why don't you take a breather, Tess. I can sit with her for a while, as she is asleep. Go and grab yourself something to drink and take a walk. You look as if you could use a break." 

"Thanks, baby. I'm going to take you up on that," Tess replied with a smile of gratitude as she and the Father had some talking to do. 

After Tess departed, Andrew sat down in the chair beside of his friend's bed, his concerned eyes watching her sleeping face. She looked terrible and he had a feeling she felt twice as badly as she looked. As he heard a soft whimper escape her, he reached over and rubbed her back gently, all the while praying that she would soon confide in him with the truth.__


	16. Fifteen

Tess left Monica's room, and stood for a moment in the hallway. The older angel's mind was spinning with a thousand different emotions, most prominent of those being worry. She was worried about Monica being so sick, and completely human. She worried about Andrew, and what he would say to Monica about her hiding things. She worried about Kayla, and what – if anything – Monica's condition meant for the young woman. She also worried about Monica's relationship with God. Even though Tess knew that her young charge would never doubt or forget God, that didn't mean that Monica wasn't capable of being angry with Him. Her thoughts still wandering, Tess began to walk aimlessly down the hall, and almost ran headfirst into Sam. 

            "Sam… do you know what's going on here?" Tess asked her angelic friend. 

            "Yes I do Tess. How is she doing?" 

            Tess's mahogany face was drawn and etched with concern, which told Sam that the assignment was taking its toll on all the angels. "She's doing alright, as well as she can be expected to do. I'm just worried about her… she's been though so much, and now she's too sick to help her assignment, and she's getting worse. I honestly don't know what to do." 

            Sam looked Tess in the eye and nodded, "Yes you do. You know exactly where to go when you're at the end of your rope, and somewhere in her heart, so does Monica." 

            "I know," Tess replied, and continued down the hall as Sam disappeared. 

            A few minutes later, the older angel found herself in the small hospital chapel. A few pews were set up in front of a small altar. A silver cross hung above the altar, and candles lined the walls, providing most of the light to the room. Tess lowered herself into one of the wooden pews and sat quietly for a moment, gathering her thoughts. Then, she clasped her hands and looked toward the altar, before she began to speak in a lowered, tired voice. "Father, I know that you have a plan now and have had one since the beginning of all of this. And I do trust in you, we all do. It's just that it's so hard to see her like this, and I truly don't understand what the purpose in it is if Kayla is getting better." Her rich voice shook slightly as the angel who rarely cried felt tears filling her eyes. "Please Father, just help this old angel to keep going, and help me take care of my babies. And please, help us all to help that sweet Kayla. I don't think this is over by a long shot, and I know that we're all going to need your help by the time it's over."

             After finishing her prayer, Tess wiped her eyes and then got up and went over to the shelves that held the candles. She saw a sign that read "light a prayer candle for your loved ones." Picking up the box of matches that was lying on the shelf, Tess struck one and then lit three candles – One for Monica, one for Kayla, and one for Andrew, who she knew would eventually need the prayers as much as anyone. Then, gathering herself as much as she could, Tess steeled herself and left the peace of the chapel, heading back to Monica's room. 

****    

Andrew sat in the chair that Tess had placed next to Monica's bed. The little Irish angel was sleeping fitfully. Regardless of the fact that she had to be completely exhausted, she couldn't get comfortable enough to sleep well. He gently brushed his friend's hair back from her face and ran a cool washcloth over it, trying to do what he could to soothe his friend. Even though Monica wasn't aware that Andrew was in the room, she seemed to relax slightly under his touch as he tenderly tried to make her comfortable. It broke the blonde angel's heart to not be able to do more for his dear friend, especially when he hear her whimper softly each time she moved in the bed. After returning the cloth to the bathroom, Andrew grabbed another blanket and gently tucked it around Monica's sleeping form. He knew that she now got cold easily, after having lost so much weight. Satisfied that he had done all he could, Andrew returned to the chair and sat down, trying to make sense of his jumbled thoughts. 

            He had been struggling with his thoughts surrounding Monica's withholding her feelings from him, and he hated the way he felt. He couldn't remember the last time he was angry, or had been hurt by Monica, and it confused him. Logically, the angel of death knew that his friend wasn't trying to hurt him on purpose, and that she most likely had a reason for her actions, but it didn't do anything to change the way it affected him. 

            He glanced back to Monica, and saw that she appeared to be sleeping deeply. He began to think aloud, knowing that Monica wouldn't hear him. "I know, Father, that there is a reason for all of this, and that Monica is hiding things from me for her own reasons. But, I'm still hurt by it… and please forgive me, but I'm feeling angry too. I just don't understand why she would feel the need to shut me out. Doesn't she trust me? I thought we were friends… I love her with everything in me, but it just doesn't make sense. Lord, just please help me find the strength I need to hang in there until she does ask me for help. I want so badly to be there for her, if only she'll let me." 

            As Andrew closed his prayer, he heard the door handle turn and saw Tess come in. He stood and hugged his supervisor, and then said, "Why don't we go get some coffee. I think she'll be alright now." 

            Tess glanced past Andrew to the small figure in the bed, and then nodded, "Okay, Angel Boy… but you're buyin." 

            As the two angels left the room, they didn't notice the lone tear that traced its way down Monica's pale cheek. Andrew thought she was asleep, but she had actually heard every heartbreaking word. She opened her eyes, and as the tears started to fall faster, she whispered, "Oh Father, what have I done?" 

****

The next few days passed slowly and painfully for Monica, but finally she reached the end of her chemotherapy. After she was officially finished with her treatment Vicky, Dr. Stanton, Dr. Vandersluis, and all the other nurses that had cared for her watched as the young angel stepped up to ring what was referred to as the 'chemo bell.' It was a brass bell that hung from a plaque. The plaque had an inscription on it that read. 

_I ring this bell three times today  
Because I am here to say  
My chemo's done  
The course is run,   
And I am on my way_

            Tears ran down the young angel's face as she read the poem aloud before ringing the bell three times. All the doctors and nurses applauded and hugged Monica as she returned to her room to await the test results that everyone was sure would get her released from the hospital. 

            Tess and Andrew were in Monica's room chatting with their friend as they waited for the doctors. Monica seemed to be in better spirits today than she had in a while, which elated Andrew and concerned Tess. The older angel remembered all too well the last time that Monica was expecting to be declared in remission, and she definitely didn't want to see a repeat of that day. She was glad to see Monica smile though… it was something that neither Tess nor Andrew had seen for quite a while. 

            As the three talked, Dr. Stanton and Dr. Vandersluis entered the room. Dr. Vandersluis's face was unreadable, but one look into Dr. Stanton's eyes told Tess that this was not going to be good news. "Monica," Dr. Stanton began, "We've gotten your latest blood work back from the lab, and the results are not good." Monica's face fell, and Dr. Stanton could see the tears forming in her patient's eyes. As much as the motherly doctor didn't want to continue, she knew she had to. "I'm so sorry, but the second round of chemo still hasn't beaten the cancer." 

            Monica struggled to maintain her composure, and found it easier than she would have expected. Dry eyed, she asked, "What now?" 

            Dr. Vandersluis stepped up beside his colleague, "Well, we can try another round of chemo, and there are some experimental therapies available for extreme cases… but unfortunately that's all we can do at this point."

            Tess and Andrew stared at the doctors dumfounded. None of them had ever expected this. Tess looked at her Angel Girl, whose eyes had taken on a look that Tess had never seen, one that was unsettling. "What do you want to do, baby?" She asked, even though some part of her already knew the answer. 

            Monica swallowed hard and remained silent for a moment before answering. "I can't go through chemo again. I just can't. I know in my heart that there is a reason for this to be happening, and if I haven't responded to treatment by now, then chances are I won't ever.  I think…." She paused. "I think that I'm done." 

            Andrew felt like he had been punched in the stomach, and abruptly he stood and left the room. Tess just nodded and reached for Monica's hand. "Then that's what we'll do, baby," she said. 

            "If you're sure about this, Monica, we will get you discharged and let you go home." Dr. Stanton squeezed her shoulder gently and then turned to Tess. "May I have a word with you?" 

            Tess followed the doctors outside, where they found Andrew standing against the wall, studying the ceiling. "Is there anything at all we can do for her?" Tess asked Dr. Stanton. 

            Dr. Stanton slowly shook her head. Her eyes were full of sympathy and compassion, as she said the words that she had always hated to say, "As much as I don't want to have to tell you this… the only thing you can do for Monica now is to take her home and make her comfortable." 

            "How long?" Andrew asked, his eyes full of pain. He didn't know if angels could die, but this was closer than he had ever wanted to see. 

            "It's hard to tell," Dr. Vandersluis said, "but my best estimate would be between one and two months, optimistically."


	17. Sixteen

Two days later and with heavy hearts, Andrew and Tess had their friend as comfortable as they could possibly make her, but an even darker cloud had appeared to settle over Monica. She slept often, though restlessly and many nights she found herself lying wide awake in the dark, afraid to close her eyes.  
Though she understood death better than most humans, she had never experienced it before and the terrifying truth was that she could feel her human body inching closer and closer to it's door and she had no idea what would happen if an angel in human form died. Would she return to her angelic status all the wiser, or would something completely different happen? Would she forever be separated from her two best friends? The very thought of that and the almost certainty she had that her Father had indeed forgotten about her only caused her to delve deeper and deeper into a depression.  
  
She had longed to talk to Andrew after overhearing the words he had spoken that night in the hospital, but Monica was unsure of what the use in it would be now. It seemed senseless to bridge the gap between them only to have death make that gap perhaps last forever. No, this seemed the easier road to take for both of them and maybe somehow lessen the hurt if the end was indeed going to come. But in the darkest part of the night as she lay awake, she couldn't remember the last time she had felt the comfort of his arms around her and she felt incredibly homesick for one of those moments. Tess's arms always made her feel deeply loved and she was eternally grateful for her supervisor's support over the past several weeks. A hug from Andrew though, was protection; a feeling like nothing in the world could ever harm her and she longed for it now as the world seemed to be slowly closing in on her.  
  
***  
  
"She's given up, Tess," Andrew ranted as he paced through the living room that afternoon.  
  
"She needs to give this up to the Father, baby. You know that," Tess reasoned with him, but her own heart was breaking at all that was happening around them.  
  
"Why is this happening?" He pleaded with her for answers, as he ran a hand through his blond locks," Angel's can't die, right? I've never heard of one that did, but Monica has convinced herself that she has come back to this apartment to do just that. She doesn't even have to tell me as I can see it in her eyes. I've seen it in assignments hundreds of times; that look of lost hope, of giving up. She lays in that bed all day, in the dark, not even allowing us to pull back the curtains. Just the fact that she thinks she is going to die is slowly killing her! She doesn't understand this, Tess, and neither do I!"  
  
"I know, Angel Boy, but the Father is still in control and somewhere deep in her heart, she knows that, but she has yet to speak with Him about it. He's waiting for her to call upon Him, to hand this burden that is far too heavy for her to carry, over to Him. She won't even share it with you, baby, so how can she turn to the One who loves her more than anyone else ever could?" Tess sighed deeply, as she had tried to get Monica to see this truth, but the little Irish angel had been unresponsive.  
  
"So we're not supposed to do anything?" Andrew cried out, his eyes filled with agony," We're just supposed to sit here and hope that she realizes that at some point before it is too late?" Seeing the haunted look in his supervisor's dark eyes, he shook his head," Well, I'm not doing that! I won't do it. I'm not going to sit here and watch her withdrawal even further away from us!" Turning on his heel, the angel headed back the hallway to Monica's room.  
  
Knocking softly, before he opened the door, he entered and quietly closed the door behind him. At first, he thought her to be asleep, but then he noticed her big brown eyes, which now seemed to him all the more prominent on her thinning face, were looking up at him. The dulled look in them fueled his reasons for coming in here all the more as he sat down on the edge of her bed.  
  
"Hey, Angel Girl," He said softly, laying a hand on her leg overtop the blankets,  
  
"How about you come on out and join Tess and I for the evening? You've been locked away in here for two days."  
  
Monica shook her head, "I don't think so Andrew," She said quietly. "I'm really tired tonight... I think I'm going to turn in early."  
  
"Are you sure, Angel Girl?" He asked her, hoping against hope that she would open up to him, and that he wouldn't have to do this the hard way.  
  
She nodded her head wearily as she readjusted her pillow beneath her head, "I'm sure."  
  
He was quiet for a moment, reluctant to push her, but now also completely unwilling to allow this wall between them any longer," Why don't you just tell me what it is you are so afraid of, Monica?" Seeing her eyes widen somewhat, he continued as gently as he could," I've stood by and allowed you to shut me out of your existence for the last several weeks, but it stops now, Angel Girl, okay?"  
  
Monica suddenly became very interested in the quilt covering her frail body. She picked at a loose thread, deliberately avoiding Andrew's eyes, and his questions," I haven't been shutting you out, Andrew. There's just nothing to say" The young angel's voice was so quiet, Andrew could barely hear her.  
  
For Andrew, his friend's evasiveness even now was too much to bear, "Well if it wasn't shutting me out, Monica, then I'd sure like to know what it was! You never talked to me or told me what was going on with you, even when you were getting worse; Tess had to tell me because you wouldn't! You didn't tell me that the chemo made you so sick, and you sure didn't let me be there for you." Andrew paused, waiting for Monica to offer some type of explanation.  
  
When she said nothing, he continued, "How do you think it makes me feel, watching my best friend wasting away to nothing and not being able to do a thing to help her? Huh, Monica?" He knew he was yelling, but he couldn't stop the words from tumbling out, "You know, this disease hasn't affected just you... it's affected all of us, and you won't even let us help you. You sit here all day, like you're waiting to die... and it's heartbreaking."  
  
"There was nothing you could have done!" Monica cried out, sitting up in her bed and struggling to keep the tears at bay, "There was absolutely nothing you could have done and I knew that! You see this kind of thing everyday in your job, so why would you want to see it again with me? You couldn't do it for me, you couldn't protect me from it, so how is it that you thought you were going to help me? Were you going to help me throw up night after night? Were you going to help me pull out clumps of hair every single day? Were you going to take the chemo for me? How exactly could you help me?" The little Irish angel knew her words were hurtful and bitter, but she suddenly had felt trapped and if she broke down now, she didn't think there would be any end to her tears.  
  
"Why didn't you talk to me?" Andrew implored. "We could always talk about everything we've always helped each other feel better, no matter what was going on. Why was this suddenly different?"  
  
Monica's temper and bottled emotions were quickly getting the better of her, and she was no longer even thinking clearly enough to spare Andrew's feelings, "What was I supposed to talk to you about? What it feels like to be an angel dying of cancer? What it's like to have God forget about you? Was I supposed to tell you about the pain and the sickness that came with all of this?" Her voice was rising and the words came faster and faster, like a dam had burst, "Did you want to know all the details about what it feels like to have your assignment get better and leave the hospital while you're still sitting there; sick and forgotten like some discarded thing? Do you want to know about the fear; about how scared I was and am about experiencing death? About how scared I am that I'll never see you two again? Tell me Andrew, was I supposed to tell you all of that? Is that what you wanted to hear?"  
  
"Yes!" Andrew cried out, reaching over to place his hands firmly on her frail shoulders as he met his steely green eyes with hers, "Monica, you are a part of my existence; an important part of my existence. I love you and there isn't anything that you may go through that I don't want to be a part of, if only you'll let me! Do you know what it feels like, to know you are hurting so deeply and not be able to talk to you about it because you have shut me out? Did you think for one moment that maybe I'm as terrified as you are about what is happening to you? I am, Angel Girl, but I couldn't tell you that because you kept insisting you were fine, but I knew better. I know you and I knew you were anything but fine. You mentioned all those things-being there when you were so sick and when you were losing your hair and the answer is 'yes!'! I wanted to help you with those things and I want to help you now, even if it is something as simple as just being here." Blinking back tears, his voice softened, "I love you, Angel Girl and I'm as afraid as you are but I'd rather be afraid here with you than watching you be afraid alone because you won't let me in to help you through it."  
  
Monica's eyes filled with tears as Andrew's heartfelt words started to sink in. Deep down, she wanted more than anything to confide in her friend. When Andrew was near, it seemed like nothing, not even cancer, could hurt her. Swallowing against the lump in her throat, she replied, "Andrew, I don't want to die. I.I'm so afraid." Her voice cracked, and the walls that the Irish angel tried so hard to keep up finally came crashing down.  
  
Reaching over and wrapping his friend up in his arms, Andrew let out a breath that he felt as if he had been holding for an eternity. Feeling her hard, violent sobs against his chest, he held her as tightly as he dared, something he had wanted to do for so very long, "Let it out, sweetie. Just cry it out and listen to me, okay?" Gently kissing the top of her head, he continued, his voice husky with emotion, "I don't want you to give up, Angel Girl, okay? I want you to fight this thing and Tess and I are beside you every step of the way, and so is God. Sweetheart, not a sparrow falls from the tree that He is not aware of, so he has not forgotten His little Irish angel either. He knows you are afraid and He needs for you to trust Him."  
  
Monica coughed and tried to compose herself enough to reply, "My head knows those things, Andrew. But. my heart still feels like I've been forgotten. I've never felt so scared. or been in so much pain in my entire existence." Her sobs intensified again, and she clung to Andrew like a lifeline.  
  
I know, Angel Girl," Andrew told her, "I know."  
  
As he spoke, a golden glow started to surround him. Monica sat up and looked at her friend, already knowing what was coming. "I don't know if I'm ready to hear this right now, Andrew," she whispered. Tears still rained down her cheeks, and her breathing hitched.  
  
Andrew shook his head, "I think you're ready, and so does the Father. Sometimes, even angels lose their way, and need to be reminded of some things," he said gently, reaching out to stroke the Irish angel's tearstained cheek, "God has not forgotten about you. He loves you so much, Monica. He's looking out for you every moment of every day. He wants you to know that He knows what you've been going through. But you have to trust Him on this one, okay? Trust in God with all your heart, and not in your own understanding. If you do that, He'll lead you down the path to come, no matter what's ahead."  
  
The Irish angel lowered her head shamefully, even as she continued to weep brokenly, "I know I should have.talked to Him, but.I was so afraid He had left me alone with something I just don't know.how to do."  
  
"He never leaves us alone, Monica; that's His promise to all of His children, angels included," Tenderly, he placed his hand beneath her chin to bring her head back up to meet his compassionate, loving eyes, "Fear no evil, Angel Girl, not even evil that comes in the form of a terrifying disease, for He is with you, now and always."  
  
As the soft glow around her best friend began to fade, Monica nodded her head, a firm resolve now present in her brown eyes, "Thank you," She whispered tearfully, closing her eyes in a silent prayer of thanks for the words she had so needed to hear. Upon opening her eyes, she met those of Andrew, and she reached out for his hands, "I'm so sorry for shutting you out. I wanted you here so badly the whole time, but I guess I thought I was protecting you by not letting you see how terribly hard this has all been for me. Please forgive me for hurting one I care about so much?"  
  
Squeezing her hands gently, Andrew smiled at her warmly, "You don't even have to ask, sweetie."  
  
She was quiet for a moment, her teary eyes continuing to meet his as she made a decision; one she wanted to share with him, "I'm going to fight this, Andrew. You were right; I had given up." She broke eye contact with him and looked down at her lap,  
  
"I began to feel more and more human, and now I know why they give up. It was like I could feel the life draining out of my body, and every day the cancer got stronger, my spirit got weaker, until I didn't even have the energy or the desire to fight anymore. I went into this with the knowledge that I had cancer for a reason, and that God had a plan. Somewhere along the line I lost hold on that knowledge, and then everything started falling apart. I guess."  
  
Andrew waited for her to continue, and when she brought her dark eyes back up to meet his own, the haunted, empty look was gone from them. "I guess even angels sometimes forget that He will never leave us, nor forsake us. And I thank you so much for reminding me of that, Andrew," Monica started to cry again, but this time they were happy tears, "Thank you."  
  
Wrapping his arms around her once more, the older angel smiled tearfully, "It was my pleasure, sweetheart."  
  
Resting her head beneath his chin, she drew in a shaky breath and let it out slowly, "You'll be here to help me, won't you? Though it was my fault, I've been so lonely for you, Andrew. You've always made me feel so safe, even now, with this disease, I just feel so protected with you here and this is where I want you to stay."  
  
"You don't have to ask twice, Angel Girl, not that you had any choice in the matter any longer. I am here for you, whatever tomorrow brings, and we'll take this, with Tess and God, one day at a time, okay?" He pulled away to look into her red-rimmed eyes, his own eyes shining with love and compassion for her.  
  
With a weak smile, she nodded her head and drew in a deep breath, letting it out slowly, "Okay." 


	18. Seventeen

            Tess sat on the couch in the living room, praying for both her angel babies.  She could hear Andrew's strong voice rising through the thin walls of the apartment as he did his best to get Monica to open up to him, and Monica's much weaker voice answering back at him.  Even though Monica's voice sounded angry and annoyed, it was good to hear ANY emotion coming from the young angel.  Ever since they had taken their friend home, Monica had seemed devoid of all emotion, and that frightened Tess.  She was starting to think that Andrew wasn't getting through to Monica, but then she heard the younger angel's sobs, and she knew that he had finally torn down the walls she had built up around herself.  An almost tangible weight lifted from Tess's heart as she realized that Andrew had helped Monica find the will to fight.

            A few minutes later, Tess heard the door to Monica's bedroom open, and her two charges came into the living room.  Tess's eyes flew to Monica's, and the older angel saw that the vacuous look that had been there so long was finally gone.  "C'mere baby," Tess said, holding her arms out to her younger charge.  Monica smiled and sat down on the couch, snuggling into her friend's warm embrace.  Tess stroked the Irish angel's thin hair, and said, "It's so good to have you back with us, Angel Girl."

            Monica smiled, her eyes still misty.  "I'm just so lucky to have friends like you who love me so much."

            "That we do, Angel baby," Tess told her, squeezing her friend gently, "That we do."

            Monica slowly sat up, wincing as her body protested against the movement.  The young angel had noticed that aches in her body were becoming a regular thing as she lost more and more weight.  "I have every intention of fighting this…. I just wish I felt…" she paused, "I wish I felt and looked like myself," Monica's soft voice trailed off, and she lowered her dark eyes to her lap.

            Andrew knelt down in front of his friend, placing his hands over both of hers.  "You do look like yourself to us, Monica.  Your human form has changed… that is true… but what we see when we look at you is your spirit, and that is still as beautiful as ever."

            "Andrew's right, baby," Tess said.  "Like I told you before, what makes you such a beautiful angel is who you are, not what you look like.  You human form is still beautiful too, Angel Girl, because it has your spirit inside it."  The older angel reached over and placed her hand on Monica's shoulder.  "We love you baby, and that love has nothing to do with how long your hair is, or whether or not you even have any.  We love Monica, the angel with a heart of gold, and a gentle, loving soul that lives to serve God."

            "And we wouldn't have you any other way," Andrew finished.  

            Monica smiled weakly, a few tears slipping down her cheeks, "Thank you both.  I love you, too."  She lowered her eyes again, and then sighed.  "I'm going to go to bed," she said, rising.  "I'm really tired, and I think I might actually get some sleep tonight."

            "Are you alright?" Andrew asked, hoping that this wasn't the beginning of a new wall.

            "Yes," she said, "I know what you're thinking, Andrew, and I'm not pulling away from you again.  I've just got a lot to think about, and I'm tired."

            "Ok," He said, "If you need us, we'll be here."

            "Thanks," Monica said as she started back to her room.

            Andrew waited until Monica had gone into her room and closed the door before turning to Tess.  "I have an idea, but I'm going to need your help."

            "I'm game, Angel Boy," Tess replied, "What are you thinking?"  Andrew sat down next to Tess and began to tell her his plan.

*******

            Monica sat on her bed and opened the night table, pulling out her journal.  She sat back against the pillows, opened the book to a clean page and began to write…

            _Well, it's been about a week since the doctors sent me home to die.  I had decided to just give in, and let the cancer take me… whatever that might mean for me.  But, Andrew had other plans.  What started out as a fight turned into one of the best nights I've had in quite a while.  I knew in my heart the things that Andrew and Tess told me tonight, but I guess I just needed to hear them.  I'm so blessed to have them in my existence, and I'm so relieved that I finally was able to come clean with Andrew.  I've missed him so much since this whole thing started, and I didn't even realize how much peace and safety his arms always brought me… until I wouldn't allow myself to be in them._

_            I'm still scared about what's ultimately going to happen to me though.  I know what humans facing death feel now.  Even though I'm an angel and I know what happens to people when they die, I have no idea what happens to angels who have died.  I don't even know if an angel has EVER experienced death…or if the ones that have aren't Home to tell about it.  Is that what God has in store for me?  Am I supposed to experience human death?  But… my head keeps telling me that angels can't die.  I've been in human form too many times to count, but I can only remember one other time that I've felt quite this human… and that's what scares me.  Oh Father, even though I haven't come to talk to you, please give me the strength I need to walk the path ahead… no matter where it leads…_

            Monica closed her journal and put it back on the table, before pulling the quilt over her small body.  She turned the light off, and lay in the darkness of the room, her mind whirling.  All the things she had just written in her journal ran through her head over and over, along with questions she was too afraid to put down on paper, lest they become real and tangible.  She let her mind wander over everything that had been happening to her, and everything that was to come, until her eyes slowly slid shut and sleep came.  

*****

            In the living room, Tess eyed Andrew, her eyes twinkling.  "So you wanna write a song for her?  Angel Boy, I love the way you think!"

            Andrew smiled and replied, "I'm glad you like it.  Let's get to work."

            The two angels went to the kitchen and sat down at the table.  There, in the center of the table, were two legal pads and some pens, which had been provided by the father.  Leaning against the wall was a guitar case, and as Andrew picked it up, he was filled with a rush of knowledge and he knew that God was going to have a hand in lifting Monica's spirits.  He opened the guitar case and tuned it, before softly strumming a few chords.  

            "Very nice, Mr. Halo," Tess remarked.  

            "I just hope this doesn't wake Monica," he said.  "I don't want her to have any idea about this until we show it to her."  He stood up and placed the guitar on the table.  "I'll be right back."

            Andrew walked through the house and quietly opened the door to Monica's bedroom.  She lay on her side facing him, her eyes closed and her breathing deep and even.  Andrew crossed the room and laid a gentle kiss on her cheek before returning to the kitchen.  "Looks like she's out for the duration," he told Tess, sitting down and placing the guitar in his lap once again.

            The two angels worked late into the night, wording and rewording the lyrics they had written, and then trying to put them to the music Andrew had come up with.  They both desperately wanted to tell Monica that they would always be there for her, and since Monica had always loved to hear Tess sing, it seemed like the perfect thing to do for their gentle friend. They didn't finish the song until nearly dawn, and luckily there was still no sign of Monica.  Tess checked on her, and the young angel was still sleeping deeply.  The older angel thought it was for the best though, since Monica had not been sleeping much for the past few weeks.  

            Later that day, the three angels were eating lunch in the kitchen.  Andrew had stowed the guitar and all evidence of the songwriting in his own closet, even though the blonde angel could hardly wait to share the song with Monica.  "How are you feeling today?"  Andrew asked, watching as Monica picked at a turkey sandwich.  

            "Tired mostly," she replied.  "And not very hungry," she pushed the plate back.  "I'm sorry, Tess."

            "Don't be sorry, Baby," Tess told her, taking the plate.  "Just do your best.  Every little bit you eat will help you gain back some weight."

            Andrew stood and took his plate to the sink.  "Well, I just hope you aren't too out of energy, Monica.  We have a surprise for you later."

            "What kind of surprise?"  Monica asked, her face full of curiosity.  "Tell me?"

            "Now there's our Angel Girl,"  Tess said, "She never could stand a surprise.  Just remember, curiosity killed the cat." 

            Monica rolled her eyes at Tess, "Curiosity did not kill the cat.  Ignorance did.  Curiosity was framed.

            "Cute… very cute," Andrew remarked.

*****

            That evening, Monica was sitting in the living room writing in her journal, when Andrew and Tess came in and sat down on the couch across from her.  Monica looked up and saw the pages in Tess's hands, and the guitar in Andrew's.  "What's going on?" She asked, "And when did you learn to play the guitar, Andrew?"

            Andrew grinned, "Last night, thanks to the Father."  He put the guitar up on his lap, and got ready to play.  "This is your surprise, Monica. Tess and I have been looking for a way to show you how much we care about you.  We want you to know that no matter what has happened, or what is going to happen, we will always love you and we will always care about you."

            Tess nodded her agreement, "We know how much you love music, baby, so we decided to use it to give this message to you.  We want you to just listen to the words, and know that they came straight from our hearts, and the Father."  

            Monica nodded as she felt the beginnings of tears prick the backs of her eyes. She listened as Andrew began to play, and the quiet sounds of the guitar floated through the room.  Tess smiled at her young friend and then began to sing, her rich voice mixing beautifully with the guitar's mellow sounds.

_So many memories and so many miles   
The road that stretches behind us   
We've had some laughter and our share of tears   
But all these moments unite us   
  
_

_  
We'll be your friends for a lifetime   
Against the wind and the rain of every season   
Won't walk away in the hard times   
We will be your friends   
We're saying We will be your friends   
  
_

_Sure as the river runs to the sea   
High as the mountain that reaches   
You were there by our side till the end   
And helped us on our feet again _

_We'll be your friends for a lifetime   
Against the wind and the rain of every season   
Won't walk away in the hard times   
We will be your friends   
We're saying We will be your friends_

_So in the valley walk on   
Don't have to face it alone   
Cause in the hard times   
We keep growing strong   
As we learn, as we live   
That we live when we give_

_We'll be your friends for a lifetime   
Against the wind and the rain of every season   
Won't walk away in the hard times   
We will be your friends   
We're saying We will be your friends_

            Tears began to spill onto Monica's cheeks as she listened to the words her friends had written for her.  Tess and Andrew's voices harmonized perfectly together on the last refrain, and as the last chords from the guitar died away, Monica choked back a sob as she whispered, "Thank you… I love you two so much, and you have no idea what this means to me."

            "And you have no idea what you mean to us, Angel Girl.  This song doesn't even begin to describe the love we have for you.  But, the words of that song are our promise to you… we will always be your friends, no matter what."

            Monica swallowed against the lump that had formed in her throat, even as tears rained down her pale face.  She stood and crossed the room to the couch.  Andrew moved over and motioned for her to sit in between them, wrapping his arm around her thin shoulders.  Monica smiled as Tess and Andrew each took one of her hands.  The Irish laid her head against Andrew's shoulder and sighed, feeling happy for the first time in what seemed like an eternity, wrapped in the love of her two dearest friends. 


	19. Eighteen

Two nights later, Andrew lay awake in bed, his thoughts, as always, on his best friend. She was fighting now, he could plainly see that, though he had seen little improvement in her condition, he could see the determination in the dark doe-like eyes.  
  
Closing his eyes, he could recall her as she had once been; full of life and vitality, asking incessant questions, always having a smile for everyone. The little Irish angel could light up a room when she entered, simply by the love that emulated from her being and a smile in his direction could always warm his heart.  
  
But now the painted picture was of quite a different design. Oh, the love was still there, but it was also surrounded by pain and fear. Monica's smile, though always heartfelt, was often strained and he always wanted to cry himself when he would see her blink back tears when no matter how hard she tried, she simply couldn't finish the meal that had been prepared for her and fully knowing that she was continuing to lose weight.  
  
Wearily, he closed his eyes, but just as he did, he heard the softest of knocks on his door. Sitting up and leaning back against the headboard, he called out to the visitor, Come in."  
  
As the door opened, he saw Monica's weary face come into view as she walked slowly into his room, "Hey sweetie. Are you okay?" He asked worriedly, seeing the troubled look in her dark eyes, even in the dimly lit bedroom.  
  
Wordlessly, the little Irish angel approached him and climbed onto the bed, as without hesitation, he opened his arms for her to slip into, enfolding her in his strong embrace. He heard a soft sigh escape her as he just held her in silence for a few moments, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead.  
  
"I do okay during the day when I have you and Tess to talk to," She whispered finally, "But at night, there is nothing there but my thoughts and here lately, they've been scaring me."  
  
Rubbing her back gently, Andrew blinked back tears as he asked her softly, "What do you think about, Angel Girl?"  
  
"Dying. Will it hurt if it happens? Will I ever see you and Tess again?" Monica replied, her voice scarcely a whisper as she rested her head against his strong chest, the sound of his heartbeat somewhat soothing.  
  
For a brief moment, Andrew thought about how ironic it was that she would seek out an Angel of Death about her fears on dying, but then again, considering it was Monica, there was really very little odd about it, "Sweetheart, we don't even know if that will happen. if you even need to be worrying about these things." He replied softly, not really wanting to consider them himself, but as the days went by, it was becoming harder and harder not to.  
  
"I never had to think about them before," Monica replied tiredly, "I always thought that I couldn't die, but.I've never felt so close before." She closed her eyes as a moment passed, "Andrew, I'm fighting, but.it isn't really helping."  
  
A single tear slid down his cheek, "I know," He replied hoarsely.  
  
"Tell me what it will feel like.will it hurt?" She whispered shakily, wanting to be as prepared as she could in the event that the unthinkable happened.  
  
His tear filled eyes on the ceiling, he struggled to keep his voice controlled in order to answer her questions, "Well, the pain you are in now may become worse, though if this happens at all, and you go back into the hospital, they'll keep you as comfortable as possible.Angel Girl, I really."  
  
"Please?" She whispered hopefully, hearing him sigh with resignation, "The last minutes, if they happen, what will they be like?"  
  
"You'll grow weaker and your breathing.the time will become longer between each breath. Breathing may even become an effort for you. Hopefully, you'll become less aware of any pain." He rested his chin against the top of her head as he struggled to continue, "Tess and I.we'll tell you how much we love you and how special you have always been to us.and then, as far as I know, there will be someone there to take you Home."  
  
She was quiet for a moment before speaking up as bravely as she could, "It doesn't sound so bad." She fell silent again for a moment and Andrew thought perhaps she had fallen asleep until the soft Irish voice spoke up once more, "Andrew?"  
  
"Yeah?" He replied just as softly.  
  
"With everything that could happen in the next few days or weeks, in case I forget to tell you.thank you for being my best friend. Your friendship has meant so much to me over the years and I don't ever want you to forget how much I love you." Weakly reaching up, she kissed his cheek softly.  
  
"This is sounding like a good-bye, sweetheart," Andrew managed to say, his voice shaking.  
  
"No. It was something I wanted you to know regardless of how things work out. I don't think I tell you or Tess often enough how much you mean to me; how much every single day that I get to spend with you both means to me."  
  
"I love you with my whole heart, Angel Girl," He whispered in return, his voice laden with fear, "And I am praying for you every second you are on this journey."  
  
Sensing, more than hearing his fear, she replied softly, "Fear no evil, Andrew, remember?"  
  
Sniffing back tears, he smiled sadly, "Yeah, baby, I remember. Would you like to stay here tonight?"  
  
"Yes, please," Monica replied sleepily, "You feel safe."  
  
As he watched her drift off to sleep, he only wished that his arms could keep her safe, but the truth was, he had never felt more helpless.  
  
*****  
  
A few days later, Tess opened the front door after hearing a knock and smiled when she saw Kayla standing there, "Well, hello, baby. It's sweet of you to drop by."  
  
The young woman smiled as she explained, "A visit to my former roomie is way past due, Tess. How is she doing?"  
  
Tess sighed softly as she closed the front door behind Kayla, "Well, Kayla, not the best, to be honest. She's fighting now at least, but we're seeing little change. Monica's putting on a brave face for us for the most part, but I do know she had a little chat with Andrew the other night about how afraid she really was."  
  
Kayla's eyes filled with sadness as she nodded her head in understanding, "Is it okay if I see her?"  
  
"Of course it is, sweetheart, but she's tiring easily these days, though I know she'll be thrilled to see you. Come on in," The angel led the way into the living room where Monica was sitting with Andrew and the pair looked up in surprise to see Kayla.  
  
Kayla tried to keep the sympathy from her eyes as she took in her friend's appearance. There was almost a grayness in her complexion, her eyes had dark circles beneath them and the weight loss was more than obvious, but the young woman put on a smile as she approached them, "Hey you. Hope you're up to a little visit."  
  
Monica smiled, obviously pleased to see her friend and equally pleased to see her doing so well, "Of course I am," She replied cheerfully and Kayla was relieved that at least her friend's disposition had not changed.  
  
"I'll leave you two ladies alone," Andrew offered, getting up from the couch and laying a gentle kiss on Monica's head before he followed Tess out to the kitchen.  
  
Taking the seat Andrew had vacated, Kayla smiled warmly at her friend, "So, how are you doing?"  
  
"I have good days and bad days," Monica admitted truthfully, "You're still feeling okay, I take it?"  
  
"Still in remission, thankfully," Kayla replied, though she almost felt guilty at saying the words. Reaching for her friend's hand, she gave it a squeeze, "Tess says you're still fighting."  
  
Nodding her head emphatically, the little angel smiled, "I am. I had given up for awhile, but my friends gave me a push or rather a shove in the right direction. I'm going to beat it, Kayla."  
  
Kayla smiled, relieved to hear her friend speaking so optimistically, "I understand you finally came clean with Andrew."  
  
The Irish angel smiled and nodded her head, "You know that shove I mentioned before? It came from him," She chuckled softly, "But I'm glad he confronted me. I hadn't realized how much I missed him until I let him back in my life again."  
  
"I'm glad to hear that, Monica. You two seemed to have worked out all your problems. I could tell that as soon as I came in the room."  
  
Monica appeared thoughtful for a moment, "Andrew is one of my safe places," She said softly and left it at that.  
  
"You have two wonderful friends in Andrew and Tess," Kayla stated knowingly.  
  
"I know I do and I need to remind them of that more often. I couldn't have come this far through this without them," Monica admitted.  
  
"That was something you never had to worry about, Monica," Kayla chuckled slightly, "They were sticking to you like glue," Her expression turning serious for a moment, Kayla reached for the angel's hand once more and looked into her dark eyes, "You continue to fight this, okay? Promise me you are going to."  
  
Looking into the human's eyes, Monica nodded her head solemnly, "I promise, Kayla. I'm never going to give up until God says it is time."  
  
*****  
  
"Tess?"  
  
At the sound of Monica's trembling voice, Tess and Andrew both raised their heads in concern as they watched their friend walk out into the living room.  
  
"Baby, what's wrong?" Tess asked urgently, starting to rise to her feet.  
  
"I'm not feeling so well.I mean, I know that is normal anymore, but I'm really not feeling good." She uttered weakly, her Irish brogue laced with tears.  
  
Andrew was standing immediately and he approached her and wrapped his arm around her slight waist for support as he led her over to the couch between he and Tess. He watched as Tess laid a hand on the little angel's forehead, her dark eyes flickering with concern.  
  
"You're burning up, baby," Tess said softly, exchanging a look with Andrew,  
  
"You could have some kind of infection." She said almost hesitantly, but one look at Monica told her that her young charge already knew. They were quiet for a moment as Tess reached for Monica's hand and held it gently in her own, "What do you want to do, sweetheart?"  
  
Monica lowered her head for a moment as a soft sob escaped her. She knew what this could mean. She had talked to enough cancer patients during her stay at the hospital to know that an infection could very well be the beginning of the end as she felt all of her fears rushing to the surface.  
  
Feeling Andrew wrap his arm around her shoulders, she drew in a trembling breath and said the words she never wanted to say again, "Will you.will you take me to the hospital?"  
  
Tess nodded her head as she blinked back tears, releasing Monica's hand to gently touch her cheek, "If that's what you want, then that's what we'll do, baby," Looking back to Andrew, she continued, "If I bring the car up closer, can you help her get out there?" Seeing him nod his head, the oldest angel rose to her feet and grabbed her jacket and keys before she headed out the door.  
  
Grabbing the quilt from the back of the couch, Andrew wrapped it snugly around his friend's trembling shoulders, but before he could stand up to help her, she had leaned into him, giving way to frightened tears.  
  
"Andrew." She whimpered softly, knowing she didn't need to say anything more. He knew.  
  
"We're right beside you the whole way, sweetie," He whispered tearfully, as he held her tightly, "You're not alone, Angel Girl." Nodding her head, she just clung to him tightly for a moment, having a feeling that before too long, the safe place she found in him would no longer be within her reach. 


	20. Nineteen

            Tess hurried out to the car and threw the door open.  Her heart was pounding in her chest, and her fingers were shaking so badly it took her three times to get the key in the ignition.  She turned the car on, and as the engine roared to life, the older angel leaned back against the seat and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself down.  "Get ahold of yourself," she said aloud, "You're not gonna be of any use to anyone if you're a wreck."  

            After sending up a quick prayer asking for her Angel Girl's protection, Tess put the car in gear and pulled up in front of the apartment building.  Andrew came out of the building as Tess pulled up; Monica's quilt wrapped form in his arms.  He put the younger angel down on her feet as the neared the car, but kept a strong arm wrapped around her waist as he opened the door for her and guided her into the backseat.  He slid in next to her and shut the door, and Tess pulled out onto the road.

            "How long is it going to take to get there?" Andrew asked, his voice betraying his concern.  

            "About 20 minutes," Tess replied.  She drove for a few moments in silence, and then glanced through the review mirror at Monica, who had leaned her head back against the seat.  Her dark eyes were closed, and her breathing sounded labored.  "How are you doing, baby?"

            Monica pulled her eyes open slightly and tried to look at her supervisor.  "I don't think it's possible….. but I feel… worse than I did a few….minutes ago…"  The young angel's voice sounded barely a whisper, like she wasn't getting enough air.  "My chest… hurts… and it's hard to breathe…"

            Andrew exchanged a terrified glance with Tess through the mirror before turning his attention back to Monica.  She was almost gasping for air, and her face was breaking out in a fine sweat.  He laid a hand on her forehead, and was alarmed to find that she was even hotter than she was when they left the apartment.  "Just hang in there, sweetie," he said, trying to keep his voice steady and calm, "We're almost there."

            "Just… hurry," Monica gasped weakly.

            Tess sped down the street, hoping against hope that she didn't get pulled over for speeding.  Since it was fairly late, there wasn't much traffic on the roads, something the older angel was grateful for.  An accident was the last thing they needed.  She could almost see the hospital up ahead when she heard Andrew's frantic voice calling, "Monica?  Monica… wake up!"

            "What's going on back there?" Tess asked, glancing into the review mirror.  Monica was slumped against the window, her eyes closed.  Her breathing was raspy and shallow, and Andrew frantically shook her shoulder, trying to rouse the younger angel.  Monica's eyelids fluttered, but she didn't wake up.  Andrew grasped her hand, startled at how cool it was to the touch, regardless of the fever raging through her weakened body.

            Tess swung the big car into the hospital's driveway, and pulled up in front of the doors to the ER.  Andrew slid out of the backseat and gathered Monica's limp form into his arms before racing toward the doors.  Tess pulled the car into the parking lot and turned off the ignition.  She sat in the car for a moment, gathering her thoughts.  "Father," she began, her voice laced with worry, "Please look out for that little angel baby.  I don't know what's going to happen over the next few days, but I have the feeling that we're all going to need You with us….even if we forget to ask for your help."  Tess took a deep breath and gathered her composure before stepping out of the car and heading towards the hospital building.

****

            Andrew rushed through the doors of Holy Cross Medical Center carrying Monica's still form gently in his arms.  He was spotted by a nurse at the admit desk, who promptly shouted for a gurney.  As soon as he laid his best friend down, she was whisked away towards the trauma bay.  He started to follow, but a hand on his arm stopped him.  "Sir, you'll have to wait in the waiting area," A nurse told him.  "The doctor will be out to speak with you as soon as he can.  What is her name?"

            "Monica," he said, his voice hollow.  "Oh, and they need to call her oncologist, Dr. Vandersluis."

            "Ok, we'll get ahold of him," the nurse said as she made notes in the angel's chart.  "What kind of cancer is she receiving treatment for?"

            "Leukemia."  A few tears threatened the blond angel's eyes.  "But the chemo didn't work, and so we had taken her home to…" he couldn't finish the sentence.  Monica was an angel.  Angels couldn't die… could they?

            The nurse showed Andrew where he could wait, and then she took Monica's chart and headed back to the trauma bay.  She opened the swinging doors to reveal an organized chaos concentrated around Monica's frail body.  Doctors and nurses were shouting out vital signs continuously.  "Heart rate 125… resps 32… BP is 76 over 52."  

            The nurse walked up to one of the trauma doctors and said, "Dr. Malone, I just spoke to the person who brought her in.  Her name is Monica, and she's one of Dr. Vandersluis's patients.  She was receiving treatment for Leukemia, but treatment was unsuccessful and she was sent home."

            Dr. Malone nodded and turned back to the other personnel in the room, his expression grim.  "Ok people, Monica is a Leukemia patient in what looks like the end stage of the disease.  Let's get a  CBC, Chem 7, blood gases, chest x-ray, and lets give her some IV fluids and Metligine to get that BP back up.  Let's keep an eye on her resps, too.  We may have to intubate."  

            Monica whimpered, and slowly pulled her eyes open.  Dr. Malone saw that his patient was waking up, and moved to the head of the gurney, so he could speak with her.  "Monica, I'm Doctor Malone.  Do you know where you are?"

            "H-Hospital," she whispered weakly.  

            "Right.  Are you having trouble breathing?"  Monica nodded slightly.  "Okay.  We're going to help you with that." He placed an oxygen mask over the angel's face, and then said, "We're going to try this first, and if you still have trouble breathing, we may have to put a tube in your throat to help you.  We're also going to give you some antibiotics and some medicine to bring your blood pressure back up, so you should start feeling a little better soon."

            Monica nodded again, and whispered, "Thank you," before closing her eyes again.  

            "You're welcome," Dr. Malone replied.  "Just hang in there, and we'll take good care of you.  Who's here with you?  Family?"

            Monica shook her head, "They're my…. closest friends.  Please….. tell them what's… going on….. they'll….. worry."

            "Okay, Monica.  I'll go and talk to them in just a minute.  Just rest now."  Dr. Malone turned and walked over to the counter, taking his gloves and gown off and making notes in Monica's chart.  After giving a few more orders to the nurses, he took the chart and headed out to speak with Monica's friends.

*****

            "Andrew, would you please stop pacing?"  Tess asked for what seemed like the hundredth time.  Monica had only been in the back for about 15 minutes, but to the two worried angels, it seemed like hours.  

            Andrew sat heavily in one of the hard plastic chairs in the waiting area, looking at Tess.  "How long is it gonna take until someone comes out and talks to us?"  He asked, exasperated.

            "I don't like this any more than you do, Angel Boy, but wearing a hole in the tile is not gonna accomplish a thing.  Now, just be patient.  The doctor will be out soon."  Andrew sighed and looked at the ground, looking for all the world like a little boy who had just been put in time out.  

            The angels sat in silence, each lost in their own thoughts, until a man in scrubs and a white coat entered the waiting area.  He looked to be in his thirties, with dark hair and dark eyes.  His lean frame was tall and his expression was unreadable, except for his eyes, which shone with deep compassion.  "Is there someone here for Monica?"  He asked aloud, addressing the few people scattered throughout the waiting area.

            Tess and Andrew stood and walked over to the doctor.  "That's us, doctor," Tess said.  "My name is Tess, and this is Andrew."  The two angels shook hands with the doctor.

            "I'm Doctor Malone," he said.  "Let's go over here, ok?"  He led the two angels to the corner of the waiting area, where they would have a bit of privacy.  They sat down, and Dr. Malone said, "Monica was brought in to us in serious condition.  She has a high fever, and she's having some slight trouble breathing."

            "What's wrong with my baby?"  Tess asked, her face etched with worry.

            "We're running some tests right now, but I suspect something called septic shock."  Dr. Malone hesitated for a moment before continuing, "Sometimes, especially in patients like Monica who have a weakened immune system, a bacterial infection can get into the blood and cause the body to go into shock.  The blood tests we ran will confirm this, but I think that's what we're looking at here."

            Andrew grasped Tess's hand tightly in his own as he asked the question that he wasn't sure he wanted the answer to.  "How serious is that?"

            Dr. Malone ran a hand through his dark hair.  For the first time, his poker face cracked, and he looked sympathetic.  He could tell that these two people cared about Monica very much, and this was the only part of his job that he hated.  "I won't lie to you.  It's critical.  This kind of infection has only about a fifty percent survival rate.  The danger here is that Monica's organs may begin to shut down.  We'll know if that's happening and to what extent when her test results come back, but I'm most concerned about her heart and lungs."

            Andrew felt like someone had just punched him in the stomach.  He remembered the conversation he had with Monica the night before, and the full severity of the situation hit him full force.  _Did she know?_  He thought.  _Did she somehow know this was going to happen?_

Dr. Malone looked quickly through Monica's chart and hesitated again, trying to find the right words for what he was about to say.  "There is one thing I want to speak with you about.  Tess, Monica has you listed as her next of Kin, is that right?"

            Tess nodded, "That's right."

            "Well, as you know, Monica is in the end stages of Leukemia.  Now this infection may be treatable, but we have to consider her quality of life.  If her lungs or heart start to fail, the only way to keep her alive would be through a breathing machine and other invasive procedures."

            "What are you saying?"  Tess looked heartbroken.

            Dr. Malone placed his hand gently on Tess's arm, "I've spoken with Dr. Vandersluis, and we both agree that it may be in Monica's best interest for you to sign a DNR.  It's an order that prevents us from taking any heroic measures.  We would take measures to ensure comfort, but we wouldn't use any breathing machines or procedures specifically aimed to prolong life, in order to spare her any more suffering. Right now, Monica is still coherent enough to sign it herself, which I'm going to speak to her about.  But, if that changes, you may have to make the decision for her.  I'm really sorry to spring this on you at a time like this, but we need to remain realistic about the situation, and there is a very real possibility it may come down to that."


	21. Twenty

"You can't sign it, Tess," Andrew uttered hoarsely after Dr. Malone had departed, "You can't give up on her."  
  
"Andrew, I'm not giving up on her," Tess replied, her voice shaking despite the conviction she tried to put into it, "But do we really want to see that little angel in there hooked up to machines to keep her alive? As full of life as she has always been throughout her existence, do we really want to see it come to that?"  
  
"Angels can't die, Tess," He stated stubbornly, feeling as if his heart was being ripped from him at suddenly being faced with this possibility, "It's never happened before-."  
  
"Just because it hasn't happened before, baby, doesn't mean it can't happen now," The older angel replied, despite the tears in her eyes, "But hopefully, it will not be our decision to make. If she is coherent, that baby can make it for herself."  
  
Andrew looked away to hide tears as he starred out the window, "She won't sign it. She isn't giving up."  
  
"No," Tess replied softly, laying a hand on her friend's shoulder, "But she might just be starting to trust the Father."  
  
*****  
  
Monica did her best to listen as the doctor explained to her about the DNR form and she was fairly certain she had managed to grasp the concept, despite how terrible she was feeling. But as she listened, she found herself feeling terribly frightened. Had it really come down to this? Had it really come down to making a decision as to whether or not she wanted to be kept alive if things continued to go wrong?  
  
"I'll give you a few minutes, Monica," Dr. Malone told her softly, as he squeezed her hand reassuringly before walking away to give her a little time to take this all in.  
  
The little angel closed her eyes for a moment, feeling a tear slide down her cheek at the fear she was feeling. She wanted Tess here to tell her what to do and Andrew here to make her feel safe, but suddenly it was just she and this piece of paper left to decide everything.  
  
"Father, what do I do? What do you want me to do?" Her heart cried out, "I'm afraid, God.I'm just so afraid."  
  
Closing her eyes once more, she felt a peace wash over her as seemingly out of nowhere, a verse jumped into her head that brought her more peace than she had felt in so long. It was almost surprising as it was something she had been thinking about, but only in part. It was the rest she had needed to remember.  
  
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.thou art with me."  
  
Still breathing with the help of the oxygen mask, the weakened and sickly angel of God managed a small smile, "Yes." Monica whispered aloud, though her voice was so weak no one would have heard her anyway, "You.are.with.me.Father.."  
  
"Always, My child," The words floated down to her heart and she embraced them with everything in her, "Always."  
  
*****  
  
Tess and Andrew walked slowly into Monica's room in the ICU; where she had been moved to as soon as she was stable enough to leave the ER. The Angel of Death's heart sank at the sight of her, never having seen her look more frail and vulnerable, as she seemed to struggle for air beneath the oxygen mask.  
  
"How are you doing, baby?" Tess asked softly, as she reached down to stroke what was left of Monica's hair back from her pale face.  
  
"I'm.still.here, Tess," The Irish angel replied wearily, though the older angel noticed a look of peace that seemed to be in her young charge's eyes that had not been present for many weeks. "I.signed the.DNR.."  
  
Monica's words hit Andrew with a force that nearly knocked him off his feet as he leaned back against the wall and starred up at the ceiling, words completely failing him.  
  
"Are you sure about it, baby?" Tess asked softly, her eyes never leaving those of the Irish angel.  
  
"Yes." Monica whispered, for the first time since this all started, actually feeling sure about something; she was sure that God was still with her, despite the fact that she had been doubting that for weeks.  
  
Tess nodded her head, feeling a tug at her heart over the fact that her baby had to even make such a decision and the supervising angel found herself fighting to remember Who was in control of this whole thing, "That must have been a hard decision for you to make, sweetheart."  
  
"Not as.hard as I.thought it would be," Monica replied, feeling completely exhausted and only wanting to sleep. Her eyes traveled over to Andrew and her heart ached, "Andy.I'm not..giving up."  
  
"It sure looks that way from here, Angel Girl," He replied softly, finally turning his eyes to meet with hers.  
  
"I'm going to leave you two babies alone for a few minutes," Tess decided, seeing the slight tension between her two charges. Heading to the door, she stopped near Andrew and added softly, "Try to understand, Angel Boy, and go easy on her. She isn't really up to a battle and depending on how things go, you don't want to say anything you might regret later."  
  
Tears stinging his eyes, he nodded his head, not trusting himself to say anymore to Tess about that possibility. He remained quiet as Tess left the room, leaving him alone with his best friend.  
  
"Andrew." Monica began wearily, struggling to keep her eyes open, "Come here, please," Weakly, she reached out her hand to him, hoping he would accept it.  
  
Thinking about what Tess had said, the blond angel slowly walked over to her bed and gently grasped her chilly hand in his own, "I'm sorry, Angel Girl. I just.I just don't understand this anymore."  
  
Giving his hand a gentle squeeze, she replied in a whisper, "Neither do I.but I know the Father is with me now.Remember how you.kept telling me.to fear no evil?"  
  
"Yes," He uttered softly, sitting down in the chair by her bed and holding onto her hand tightly.  
  
"We.forgot the most important part.." The little angel closed her eyes in exhaustion for a moment.  
  
"For thou art with me," He whispered, already knowing as he lowered his head in shame, "You're right, sweetie. You are absolutely right and that's what I've been trying to get you to see and then I forgot it myself."  
  
"I think.we all forget sometimes," She managed a weak smile through the oxygen mask, before she closed her eyes once more.  
  
Seeing her obvious exhaustion, he knew he needed to let her rest, despite the fact that he didn't want to waste a single minute with her. Reaching up, he stroked her temple with the backs of his fingers, "Sleep, sweetheart."  
  
"Stay." She uttered, her voice no more than a breath.  
  
"Right here, always," He whispered, watching as she drifted off to sleep.  
  
*****  
  
Kayla tiredly sat down on her couch, doing everything she possible could to avoid dealing with the fact that she hadn't been feeling well. Her apartment was finally clean; the dishes done and put away, floors mopped, furniture dusted and she was quickly running out of ways to avoid the issue.  
  
The feeling had been sneaking up on her over the past few days, but she assured herself it was only a bug that was going around and nothing more, but deep in her heart, she knew better. The funny thing was that she had found herself praying off and on the last few weeks. She had never really doubted the existence of God, she just hadn't been so sure she liked Him. After all, she had cancer and that hardly seemed like something worth thanking Him for as she wasn't all that sure she could trust Him enough to put her faith in the fact that God could turn this into something good. But ever since meeting Monica and her friends, she had found herself on more than one occasion, thanking God for her being in remission and she wasn't at all happy with the fact that it was possibly being taken away from her now.  
  
She was scheduled for a check up tomorrow and was almost thinking of canceling the appointment, thinking that maybe ignorance could be bliss for a while longer. The very thought of going through more chemotherapy or of living in a hospital bed sickened her. Kayla hated feeling small and helpless, left to the mercy of an enemy she didn't know how to fight. That was what frustrated her the most; not knowing how to fight back. After all, it was her own body turning against her and how could she defend herself from something that was happening inside of her in places she couldn't even see?  
  
Turning her troubled eyes to the ceiling, she whispered aloud, "God, if you're up there, and Monica insists that you are, please don't let the cancer come back. The last few weeks have been so good and I feel like I'm finally getting my life back and maybe it's selfish, but I don't want to give that up, not now and not ever. You're God and I know You have the capability to not let it come back, so could You maybe do that for me? Just let this be some weird bug, okay?"  
  
Leaning her head back against the couch, Kayla sighed softly. The only problem was that she didn't believe for one minute this was some kind of bug and she did believe that after tomorrow, her life would once again, not be her own.  
  
*****  
  
"Is she sleeping, baby?" Tess asked softly when she returned to Monica's room in the ICU.  
  
Andrew nodded his head, never looking up at her as he continued to hold to Monica's hand, ever as she slept. Struggling to find his voice, he replied in a whisper, his voice full of pained emotion, "I feel like I'm watching the life drain from her, Tess, little by little and I have a feeling, a terrible feeling that she isn't going to beat this thing," He finally looked up at her, tears shimmering in his green eyes, "Is she?"  
  
Tess' eyes locked on his, as her thoughts ran a mile a minute. Being a supervisor, she knew she had to give some response, but for the moment, the older angel was rendered speechless for one of the first times in her existence. 


	22. TwentyOne

A few hours later, Tess returned to Monica's hospital room, after convincing Andrew to go back to the apartment and get some rest. He had been completely exhausted, and his pacing and fidgeting was truthfully starting to grate on Tess's nerves. The older angel knew that wearing a path in a room was Andrew's way of dealing with things that really got to him, but enough was enough. 

As she pushed open the door to her charge's room, a smile graced the older angel's mahogany face as she saw Monica was awake, and ineffectually trying to sit up. Her muscles were too weak, and weren't cooperating as the angel tried to push herself up. "Hold on a second baby," she admonished gently, guiding Monica back to the pillows. She found the controls for the bed and raised the head of it up, so Monica was in a semi-sitting position. 

"Thank you," The younger angel whispered, catching her breath. "Even though I hate….not being able to take care…of myself," she paused to pull the oxygen mask down so she could speak and be heard, "I'm glad that you're the one helping me." She raised her eyes to Tess's, and the older angel could see the seriousness in her charge's eyes, and she swallowed the joke that was on her tongue. 

"You know I will always be here for you, angel girl," Tess said, sitting down on the edge of the bed and placing her hand over Monica's frail one. 

Monica nodded, taking a breath from beneath the mask before pulling it down again. "I know…"Monica's eyes misted over with tears, "And I can't ever thank you enough… for giving me that knowledge. You've been the closest thing an angel could…ever have to a mother…" her soft voice broke on a sob. "And no matter…what happens in the coming days…I want you to know how much I love you, Tess." 

Tess's own dark eyes were cloudy with tears, and she reached up to wipe a tear from Monica's pale cheek as she said, "I love you too, little angel. You've been such an essential part to the happiness of my existence, and I don't even think you realize that half the time. If I was human and had a daughter, I would want nothing more than for her to be just like you." Tess leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on Monica's forehead as tears continued to slip down the younger angel's cheeks. "I'm so proud of you too, baby," Tess said, sitting up. "You've done so well on this assignment, and I think you've really helped Kayla. You got her to fight again, and she began fighting again because she saw you fighting. You're a strong angel, baby, and I don't think you give yourself credit for that enough." 

"I don't feel very strong right now…Tess," Monica said, trying to crack a smile, "I can't even sit up by myself." 

"Maybe not, but you've found a strength inside of yourself that so many people, and even angels," Tess paused for emphasis, "never find. You've been in a very peculiar place for an angel these past few months, and yet you've never lost your faith, or questioned God's plan." 

This time Monica really did smile, albeit tiredly. "Didn't…have to. Andrew was doing it for me…" 

Tess smiled back at her, and then the older angel's expression turned serious. "I'm gonna have to straighten his angel butt out if he's not careful." 

"Tess, don't be…too hard on him," Monica said. "This is hard for him… being an angel of death… and all." Her eyelids were quickly becoming heavy, and she yawned slightly, even though she tried to hide it. 

Tess reached for the controls and started to lower Monica's bed back down. "Don't you worry about that, Angel Girl. I'll take care of Andrew… you just rest now. Tess is right here." 

Monica nodded as her eyes drifted closed. "I love you Tess," she whispered, "And… thank you…" 

"I love you too, little Angel Girl, always." The older angel replied, stroking Monica's hair as her charge slept. 

*****

Kayla sat nervously in the waiting room of Doctor Vandersluis's office, absently flipping through a magazine even though her thoughts were on anything but the latest Hollywood love scandals. She had debated endlessly with herself on canceling the appointment, but decided that she needed to face the music, if she wanted to live to hear any in the future. 

She jumped a little when the nurse called her name, but quickly composed herself and followed her out of the waiting room. The nurse took Kayla's vital signs and weighed her before taking her back to an examination room. "You're here for your one month check-up, right?" The nurse asked. When Kayla nodded, the she continued. "How are you feeling? Any unusual symptoms or anything?" 

Kayla hesitated for a moment. If she said nothing, it would mean a few more weeks of freedom from the hospital, and freedom from the knowledge that her body was turning against her. Ignorance is bliss…. isn't that what her father always used to say? He followed the "no news is good news" mantra, so why couldn't she? Because not knowing would be worse, she told herself. "I've not been feeling well these last few days," she said with a sigh. "It's all the usual suspects… fever, aches, fatigue. I feel like I did when I was first diagnosed." 

The nurse looked apologetic. "Okay, I'll let the doctor know, and we'll go from there." She made a few more notes on her chart and left the room. Kayla looked aimlessly around the room. Sterile instruments sat in their packages on the counter, and everything in the small room was antiseptic and white. Kayla had always thought it funny that hospitals used so much white in the décor. It seemed to her that black was a more fitting color, and not the pure innocence that white implied. She felt like her innocence and naïveté about ravaging effects of disease had been completely shattered in just a few short months. And now, her life would never be the same. Instead of being busy and full of life, chasing after laughing children and teaching them how to grow and achieve their dreams, she was reduced to going from doctor to doctor with not enough energy to climb a flight of stairs. 

It didn't seem fair, but then again, nothing did anymore. Monica had told her about God, and how disease wasn't part of the Plan and that if Kayla put herself into His hands then everything would turn out right. She wanted so badly to do just that, but it was so hard to do. She didn't doubt the fact that God existed, and she had even reconciled her feelings towards Him. But, the problem was putting herself in His hands. She had put her life into the hands of medicine, and she was still in danger of dying. What would happen if she put her life into anyone else's hands? 

Just then the door opened, startling Kayla out of her thoughts. Doctor Vandersluis walked in holding the young woman's chart, and took a seat on the stool near the exam table. "Hello Kayla." He said, "I hear you haven't been feeling well." 

Kayla nodded, and related her symptoms to the doctor. The older man listened attentively, his expression growing more concerned by the minute. After Kayla finished talking, he examined her thoroughly, noting things in the chart as he went along. After he finished the exam, he made one final note before speaking, "Ok Kayla. I'm going to order some blood tests, and we may have to do a spinal tap." 

"You don't think it's come back, do you?" Kayla asked, tears pricking the backs of her eyes. 

Dr. Vandersluis hesitated. "I'm so sorry to tell you this. But based on the clinical examination, I'm pretty sure that the blood tests are going to reveal a relapse." 

****

Tess sank heavily into sofa in the living room of the apartment. Andrew had traded places with her at the hospital while Monica was sleeping, and Tess had decided to come back to rest and think. She took a sip of the tea she had made, and tried to begin sorting out her jumbled thoughts when the doorbell rang. The older angel got up from the sofa and crossed to the front door, opening it to reveal a distraught looking Kayla. 

"Kayla?" Tess asked immediately picking up on the young woman's distress, "Baby, what's wrong?" Kayla shook her head helplessly and burst into tears. "Oh sweet baby, come on…"Tess said, wrapping an arm around her small frame and leading Kayla into the living room, where they sat down on the couch. Kayla leaned into Tess as the older angel wrapped her tightly in an embrace. "It's alright, baby," Tess told her softly, "Just tell 'ole Tess what's wrong." 

Kayla took a few deep breaths before speaking, "It came back, Tess." Another sob escaped her, "The cancer's back." 

The young woman's statement went straight to Tess's heart, and she held Monica's assignment even tighter as she continued to cry, "It's gonna be alright, Kayla. Don't worry… it's gonna be alright." 

Kayla continued to cry for a long time as Tess held her. The situation reminded her so much of the day Monica found out she would have another bout with the cancer. That had been hard enough on the Irish angel, and Kayla didn't have the knowledge about God that she did. Even though Tess had caught glimpses through Monica's experience, the older angel still couldn't fathom what Kayla was feeling at this moment. She gently rocked the young woman in her arms and found herself singing the same verse she had sang to Monica when the Irish angel had been so devastated on that day… 

_Nothing formed against you will succeed  
As long as your heart's turned toward me  
You'll get through this  
No matter what it takes  
I believe in you for Heaven's sake  
You'll get through this  
Oh yes you will_

Tess finished the song and noticed that Kayla's cries had quieted. Now she was lying against Tess, completely spent. "I just don't know what I'm going to do," she said, her voice hoarse from so many tears. "I've never felt so alone." 

Tess pulled away so she could look into Kayla's eyes, "Now listen to me baby," she said gently, but firmly, "you are never alone. You always, and I mean always, will have God right by your side. And when you're too weak to walk, he will carry you. Trust me on this one, and I know Monica would tell you the same thing." 

Kayla lowered her eyes and toyed with the edge of one of her fingernails, "She has. That's one thing that always amazed me about her. Even after everything she's been through, she never stopped telling me to fight and trust in God. Even when she was too sick to move, she still told me that. I don't know how she's managed to hold onto a faith like that…. She's got a strength I wish I had." 

"You've got that strength in there somewhere, Kayla," Tess replied. "As I recall, it was you who helped keep Monica fighting when she was losing her own will. The strength is there, baby, but you've got the same problem Monica does. You don't know how to recognize it in yourself. You've been fighting something that few humans have to, and even fewer beat, and that by itself takes a lot of strength." 

Kayla was silent for a minute, letting Tess's words sink in. "I guess you're right," she said with a sigh. "You know, you and Monica have been such good friends to me these last few months. Almost like angels, I think." 

Tess grinned widely, "Yeah, something like that."


	23. TwentyTwo

            Andrew sat vigil next to Monica's bedside late into the night, watching his dearest friend's sleeping figure and counting the beeps of the heart monitor, which were his only comfort that the Irish angel was still fighting this most important battle.  She looked so small, her normally porcelain skin colored with a grayish pallor that frightened Andrew, who had seen this before.  She took shallow sips of air from beneath the oxygen mask, and her soot black eyelashes fluttered every so often, telling Andrew that she was sleeping, but not restfully.  He raised a gentle hand to her forehead and stroked her thinning hair back from her face, trying to channel all the love in his being to her through his touch, and hoping to offer a small bit of comfort to this angel who had stolen his heart so many years ago.

            Andrew's mind was a maelstrom of jumbled thoughts and feelings.  He still could not understand why Monica had signed the DNR, or why this was all happening in the first place.  He clasped his friend's small, limp hand in his own and lowered his head to place a small kiss on the back of it before laying his head next to their joined hands.  "Father," he whispered, "Please take this pain from my heart.  I know you have a plan, but I don't understand why all this is happening.  I feel like Monica has given up the fight, and even though I know she's an angel, I feel like I'm going to lose her forever.  This has never happened to another angel that I know of, and I feel as much fear as any human I've ever known.  I never before understood the things that humans in my cases felt, but now I do.  I didn't think angels could die, but God forgive me, it seems like that's what's going to happen to Monica.  If she dies, Father, as much as I want to be the one to take her home, I just don't think I can do it.  Give her the strength and peace that I know she already has…and please, help me to understand all of this, and give me the strength to face the road ahead."

            Andrew finished his prayer and sat up, wiping away the tears that had trickled down his cheeks.  He looked into Monica's face and noticed something that he hadn't before… peace.  He had a feeling that Monica had always had that peace, but it wasn't until now that Andrew saw it.  He felt a tugging on his heart and looked across the room to the small cabinet that sat against the wall.  Resting on the top of it was Monica's journal.  It was opened to a particular page, and glowing with the light of the Father.  Andrew walked over to it and picked it up, looking at the opened page that the Father had meant for him to see.  As his green eyes skimmed over Monica's delicate handwriting, he had to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat.  It was a letter written to him…

             _Andrew,_

_            I know that God will show you this page when you need to see it, so I have no worry that you won't know what I want to say to you, in the event I can't speak these words myself.  First, I want you to know how much I love you, and have always loved you.  You and Tess have been such a vital part of my existence, and always will be.  Even though I may have hurt you at the beginning of this assignment, please know I was only trying to protect you.  There were so many times when all I wanted to do was to throw myself into your arms and hear you say that everything would be alright, but you see so much sickness and death every day… I didn't want you have to see that with me.  But, that night you forced me to tell you everything meant so much to me.  You made me realize that not knowing everything was what would hurt you, contrary to what I thought.  Since then, it has been much easier to accept this and fight it._

_            I know you think that I was giving up by signing the DNR.  But Andrew, please know that it wasn't a sign of giving up.  I simply gave myself to God, and I am allowing Him to carry my burden.  It's funny, we tell people that very thing every day of our existence, yet when it comes to ourselves, it's so very hard to do.  I'm still fighting this disease, Andrew, but at the same time I am at peace with it.  I refused the third round of chemo because I knew that if it was in God's plan for the first two rounds not to work, then I needed to trust in His plan from now on.  I still have a job to do here, and part of my job is to trust in God implicitly.  You know that too, my friend, but I think you may have forgotten.  No matter what happens, I have been reminded that I am an Angel of God first, and holding on to that has helped me trust in a plan that I don't understand.  _

_            No matter what happens to me, know that this is not the end.  It's not the end of our friendship, nor is it the end of my love for you.  I don't know what will happen to me if I am to experience human death, but I have a faith in my heart that I will see you and Tess again, because our friendship and love for one another is so strong.  I think this is what humans mean when they talk about "love that can survive death".  No matter what, a love like the three of us have is too strong to be broken by anything, even death.  You and Tess need to hold onto that too.  I'm walking through a valley right now, Andrew, but no matter how dark it is, I will fear no evil, because God and you are with me.  I love you so much my friend, and it has been that love that has helped me through these last few months.  I hope that love can sustain you, too._

_            All my love, _

_                        Monica_

            Andrew read and re-read the letter, drinking in each and every word that he knew had come straight from Monica's heart.  The lump in his throat swelled as his heart filled with a warm peace.  He finally understood why Monica had done the things she had.  Looking back to his friend's still figure, he whispered three words that could barely be heard, "Thank you Monica."

****

            Tess drew in a deep breath as she tried to mentally prepare to enter Monica's hospital room the following morning.  It was difficult enough to see her Angel Girl as sick as she was and now, this morning, she had some not so pleasant news she needed to share with her.  

            Finally opening the door to the room, Tess smiled as she saw Andrew still sitting with their friend, as he had been all night.  They took shifts with her, neither one of them wanting her to be alone in her fragile state.  Right now, Monica was awake and she and Andrew were talking quietly, the youngest angel's voice merely a weak whisper, though peace still shone in her tired brown eyes.

            "Good morning you two," Tess greeted them as she approached, laying a hand on Andrew's shoulder and reaching with her other hand for Monica's.

            "Morning, Tess," The Irish angel replied softly from beneath the oxygen mask, as Andrew smiled his greeting at their supervisor.

            Looking over at Andrew, Tess told him gently, "Go and get some rest, baby.  I'll stay with her."

            Monica considered putting up an argument but chose not to.  She knew that they were here because they wanted to be though it was probably doing them more good than it was her.  She accepted what was happening to her completely and she was grateful that Andrew now seemed more at peace as well and while she wanted them here, she still worried about the toll it was taking on them.

            "Actually, Tess, I'm going to go and grab some breakfast and a cup of coffee and come back for a bit," Andrew explained as he stood up and stretched, "Her doctor should be in before too long and I want to hear what he has to say." Leaning down, he kissed his best friend's forehead, "I'll be back, sweetheart."

            Her eyes shone with love for him as she weakly nodded her head, "Drink a cup of that coffee for me too, okay?" She asked with a wink.

            Smiling down at her, Andrew chuckled softly as he quipped, "Just one?" Seeing the small smile he had hoped for, he lightly touched her cheek before he turned and headed out the door in order to give Tess some time alone with their friend.

            Monica watched him depart, before looking back to Tess, her perceptive eyes taking in her friend and supervisor's tentative expression, "What do you need to tell me?"

Looking somewhat surprised, Tess took the seat Andrew had abandoned and took her young charge's hand once more, trying to figure out the best way to tell her what she needed to tell her, "Baby, I didn't just get here.  I brought Kayla in this morning," She hesitated, seeing Monica's eyes upon her, "Angel Girl, her cancer is back."

            If Tess had been thinking her charge would react in shock, she was sorely mistaken as new understanding filled the ailing angel's eyes, "That's why I'm still here, Tess." Monica whispered, closing her eyes briefly as she summoned up the strength to speak, as she was quickly growing weary, "Though I was hoping she would stay in remission, it all makes sense now.  Thank you, Father…"

            Squeezing Monica's hand, Tess blinked back tears at the young angel's ability to see things so clearly now.  Despite the pain she was in and the fear that had to be there, just below the surface, she was still focusing on her assignment and clearly seeing the Father's plan.  Though Tess knew the plan was there and was perfect, she only wished she could see it as clearly as Monica did.

            A few moments of silence passed between the two angels before the door opened again and Andrew entered, carrying a Styrofoam cup in one hand.  "I thought I'd smuggle this up for you," he said mischievously, "After all the bad coffee they've been feeding you, I figured you deserved a treat."  He winked at Monica before handing her the cup, which she took with as much energy as she could muster.  

            Tess looked sternly at her charges, although her eyes held mirth.  "You'd better drink that slowly, Angel Girl, so you don't get sick."  She looked at Andrew, "And you better not let her doctors catch you sneaking caffeine up to her.  You know she's not supposed to have it."

            Andrew held his hands up as if to defend himself.  "Hey, don't worry… its decaf."  He chucked at Monica's crestfallen expression.  "Sorry, Angel Girl, but I don't need a lecture from Tess _and_ your doctors."

            The door opened again, and Andrew quickly grabbed the coffee cup, hiding it under Monica's bed guiltily as he saw Dr. Vandersluis and Dr. Stanton entered the room, the latter carrying Monica's chart.  Andrew knew from the looks on their faces that the news they were about to get was anything but good.  Dr. Stanton stood at the foot of Monica's bed and said, "Monica, we've gotten the results of the tests that we did when you were brought into the ER, and I'm afraid the results are not good."

            Andrew paled considerably at the doctor's statement, but remained composed.  "What were the results?"

            Dr. Vandersluis stepped up behind his colleague.  "The infection overwhelmed your heart and lungs, and they are now in a state of failure.  Short of a transplant, there is nothing we can do."

            To anyone who didn't know Monica very well, it would have seemed that she was stunned, but relatively unfazed by the doctors' news.  But, as Tess looked into her friend's eyes, she knew that wasn't the case.  Fear and sadness flickered in Monica's dark brown eyes, and even though she tried to clamp down her emotions, Tess noticed shininess in her eyes that hadn't been there before.  

            Tess rose from her chair as Andrew moved to take Monica's hand.  "Doctor, can I speak to you for a moment?"

            Dr. Stanton nodded and the three of them moved to the hall.  "What is it?"  Dr. Stanton asked.

            "How long does she have?" Tess asked, though she was already pretty sure of the answer.

            Dr. Vandersluis hesitated for a moment before replying, "It's hard to say.  As her lungs and heart continue to fail, without the aid of a respirator it won't take long though.  Maybe a few days, a week at most."

                        *****

            Andrew felt frozen to where he stood after Tess and the doctors left the room, hardly able to believe what he had just heard.  He was certain Monica could hear his heart pounding in his chest as he finally found the courage to meet his dearest friend's eyes.

            The peace that had previously been in her dark eyes was not quite as prominent now and he could clearly see an internal struggle going in within her and he understood it only too well.  As an Angel of Death, he knew that there was a huge difference between expecting the worst and hearing it for yourself.

            "Monica…" He uttered, reaching for her hand, but before he could say anymore, her quiet, trembling voice interrupted him.  

            "Andrew…I'm going to die…it's really going to happen." The words were only stated, not questioning, though holding a trace of shock.

            The older angel shook his head, "We don't know that, sweetheart.  Miracles happen all the time…"

            "Not this time," She whispered, a tear sliding down her face.  Feeling him take her hand, she held onto it as tightly as her weakened state would allow.  Seeing Tess come back into the room, the little Irish angel closed her eyes and simply asked, "How long?"

            "Time belongs to the Father and you know that, Monica," Tess began trying to sound stern, but her voice wavered slightly.

            Monica sighed softly as she squeezed Andrew's hand for strength and rephrased the question, "How long did my doctors say, Tess?  I need to know."

            Tess's eyes met Andrew's briefly, silently telling him this was not good news and she would rather that their younger friend not know, but seeing the pleading look in Monica's eyes, Andrew kissed her fingers before looking up at their supervisor, "She needs to know, Tess." He stated quietly, tears shimmering in his eyes.

            Tess was silent for a moment as she took a seat on the other side of the ailing angel, "At best…a week."

            The words, though spoken softly, seemed to visibly rattle the young angel as if they had been screamed at her.  She closed her eyes, unashamedly allowing a few more tears to trickle down her face as she tried to take as deep of breathes as possible.  She released the air slowly, almost as if cherishing the fact that she still could.  Her human body had first turned against her, and now it was failing her altogether and there was absolutely nothing she could do to halt or even slow the process.  All of the free will in the world couldn't change this outcome and the little angel was afraid.

            "Father, help me.." She whispered aloud, no sooner saying the words did His love seem to hold her tightly and for that and the presence of her two friends, she was eternally grateful.  Opening her eyes, she looked over at Tess through blurred vision, feeling her supervisor taking her other hand, "Okay," She said softly, knowing she needed to soon rest, though she only wanted to cherish whatever time was left with the two angels she loved with her entire heart, "I need something from both of you…"

            "You name it, baby, " The oldest angel whispered, stroking her friend's hand with her fingers as a tear escaped her eye.

            "I need…I need you two to be strong for me.  I'm feeling far from that right now…so would it be okay if I leaned on you two, as well as the Father, until…until…"

            Andrew's hand on her cheek silenced her as he met his tear-filled eyes with hers," Angel Girl, you didn't even have to ask."

*****

            Monica awoke later that afternoon and opened her eyes slowly, relieved to find herself still alive.  Immediately, her dark eyes searched for Andrew and Tess and her expression became one of surprise when her eyes came to rest upon her assignment.

            "Kayla…" She uttered, her voice breathy and tired, "Kayla…I'm so…sorry."

            "No, Monica.  Don't, please?" The young woman stated from where she sat next to her friend's bed.  Reaching for the angel's hand, she continued, "Tess told me what the doctors said.  Monica, I'm sorry…I don't even know what to say…"

            Saying a silent prayer for strength, Monica replied, "Kayla, God has a plan for me, just like He does for you, and if this is His plan, I accept it."

            "But aren't you afraid?" The human whispered, voicing her own fears.

            "Of dying?" She asked as she saw her friend nod, "Yes.  But only of the physical process as it is the unknown.  Once I'm past that, I know where I am going."

            "Heaven." Kayla stated softly.

            "Yes," Monica replied, managing a weak smile, "And after all this, Kayla, I can't wait to get there."

            The human was quiet for a moment before speaking once more, "And here I've been, thinking how my life is over now that the cancer has come back.  You make me feel sorry for feeling that way."

            "With God, Kayla, life is never over.  It only changes and the next life, with Him, is so much better than you can even begin to imagine," The weary angel stopped speaking in order to catch her breath as she squeezed the human's hand, "I'm not telling you not to fight…just know that no matter what happens, if you accept God, you will be all right."

            Sensing that Monica was tiring, Kayla felt tears pricking the corners of her eyes and she had a feeling that this would be her last conversation with her friend.  If that was indeed the case, she had things she needed Monica to know, "Thank you.  You've been a blessing to me, Monica; a blessing unlike any I've ever had before.  I want you to know that I plan on having a very long conversation with God very soon," Not missing the flicker of happiness in Monica's eyes, Kayla continued, "I want what you have.  This peace and this faith and this complete trust in God.  I now want that for myself and I owe that to you."

            Monica smiled, feeling peace once again fill her heart, "That's all I've wanted for you, my friend.  Fight, Kayla, but trust… always."

            "I will, " Kayla uttered through her tears as she met her eyes with those of the angel, "I will."

***

            Over the next few days, Monica's doctors did all they could to keep the young angel comfortable, without violating the DNR order that she held staunchly to.  Tess and Andrew stayed near their friend's hospital bed at all times, too afraid to leave for even a minute lest they not be with the Irish angel when she needed them most of all.  

            On the fourth day after Monica had been told that human medicine had nothing more to offer her, she felt a peace in her heart that was unlike anything she had ever felt before.  This was not the peace she had held since turning her now human existence over to God – this was a peace that was to prepare her for what was about to happen.  She looked over to her two dearest friends, seeing they were both deep in prayer.  "Andrew…. Tess…. It's time."  

            The older angels exchanged looks with one another, knowing exactly what Monica meant, even though it broke their hearts.  They each clasped one of the youngest angel's frail hands from their opposite sides of the bed, as silent tears began their trek down their cheeks.  Monica could see Adam standing in the corner of the room, and at that moment she knew what was coming.  She could feel herself growing weaker and weaker, her body inching toward what she now knew was inevitable.  Even though the young angel knew that Heaven existed and that God would take care of her, she couldn't stop the fear from creeping into her heart.  She looked over to Andrew, who sat next to her bed holding her hand, and softly whispered two words, "I'm scared."

            Andrew could feel his eyes filling with tears as he heard Monica's admission.  Although he couldn't see Adam, he still had a feeling he knew what was coming, because of the deep connection he and Monica shared.  "Don't be afraid, sweetheart," he said quietly, glancing at Tess "We're right here with you."  Monica nodded weakly, but her eyes still held the fear that Andrew longed to take away.   He remembered the last time he had seen Monica truly happy since before this assignment, and it gave him an idea.  He met Tess's eyes and the look in them told him that his friend had the same thought.  "How about one last dance, sweetie?"  He asked, taking Monica's hands in his own.  

            Monica attempted a smile, and nodded.  Andrew stood up and picked Monica up into his arms with all the gentleness in his being.  As he situated her in his arms, careful not to disturb any of the machines she was hooked to, Tess began to sing the song that they had written for her.  Monica laid her head against Andrew's shoulder and closed her eyes as he swayed to the music, a few tears slipping down from under her lashes.  Tess stood up and came over to the pair, gently kissing her Angel Girl's cheek and taking one of her delicate hands again in her own strong ones before starting the last verse of the song, the one that described so perfectly where Monica was right now.

_So in the valley walk on   
Don't have to face it alone   
Cause in the hard times   
We keep growing strong   
As we learn, as we live   
That we live when we give_

_We'll be your friends for a lifetime   
Against the wind and the rain of every season   
Won't walk away in the hard times   
We will be your friends   
We're saying We will be your friends_

            As the song went on, the beeps on Monica's heart monitor began to slow down.  Silent tears rolled down Andrew's face as well as Tess's as they did their best to make the moment peaceful.  Tess's rich voice finished the heartfelt song as Andrew whispered words of love to his dearest friend, and Monica weakly squeezed Tess's hand as the heart monitor beeped one more time and then the line running across the screen went flat.  

THE END

Don't worry, there will be a sequel.  

Authors' Notes:  

Cancer is something that touches the lives of practically every human being at one time or another.  Whether it is through one's own experience, or through the experiences of a family member or friend, the pain and other effects of this devastating disease are never far from our lives.  Kimbre and I would like to express that our prayers are with everyone who has, or is currently battling cancer, and with their families.  If you or someone you know is battling cancer, you are not alone.  The American Cancer Society can offer help and support.  Visit their website at www.cancer.org for more information.


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